Losing All

I can't help but think of my days of past, alone and miserable with a crack pipe and dull syringe lying next to me on the night stand. I suppose I put too much of myself and I'm too honest much of the time. I love to play music and writing is also a newer love of mine. I write this very sentence though with tears in my eyes and a debating thought of whether to admit myself into a psychic observation setting. I will say this though, because of the words and replies of so many ignorant fucking morons I am choosing to keep my own struggles just that. MY OWN! Not that it bothers me that much but why bother going the extra mile if only to be berated with so much judgement. There has been a handful of people who message me and express their gratitude for my willingness to be up front and vocal about my own daily struggles with addiction and Dual Diagnosis. I find when people attack me honing in especially on the word God or the aspect of a higher power, it merely shows their own closed mind and inability to let someone choose their own path or their own belief system which is the only thing I push. Regardless of why people say what they say I am finding such an annoyance with even taking the time to read it and give it my precious time that I am going to take the time to reduce this blog to only go to direct subscribers. I know I need to fix the grammatical error in the title and this I plan to do.

 On a more serious note I have decided that maybe a break from this and social media in general would be good while I deal with my mental condition. I have never in my adult life ever found a true sense of balance and I'm starting to have enough insight to know when I'm heading into a mindset that I cannot trust myself. If you have never lost everything you hold dear to your heart or attempted to take your own life then you probably have no clue what I'm talking about. Regardless to those I know and love and anyone with any faith at all, your prayers would be appreciated. Until I return I wish you all peace and happiness!

Disciples Of Chaos

As I move through and into another day I decided to give you all a sneek peek at some artwork in its development to piece together one of my upcoming covers for a record. The extra special thing about this title and piece of a bigger whole is my dream for living a new life in the outline I am learning in Recovery. I want to help others .Seeng shows like Pitbulls and Parolees as well as having new life experiences due to having a wonderful girlfriend, have given me hope I can do something more for someone than just a small gesture of kindness.Not trying to bore you with all the details but after learning so much about my own emotional condition in regards to loss and love I have joined the ranks of many who know how special Pittbulls are. I am working on a book that tells the story of how I learned to let go without anger when I dealt with losing Dollar Bill who was the blue Pitt who belonged to my significant other Simerly Cook. Dollar provided friendship and taught me how misunderstood creatures other than myself can be. Working with his daughter Penny has been so rewarding and has brought a happiness and reward I personally had never experienced. Disciples Of Chaos will eventually be a non profit organization to help Pitbulls and also help professional musicians get into treatment for Drug and Alcohol abuse.Although I feel that it would play out better to wait for the entire organization and ideas to be more substantial I also know and feel time is delicate and waiting is not in my vocabulary. We are planning to release a t- shirt with this heart with wings and an outlaw biker style patch logo to begin our task of raising money to start helping the Pitbulls ASAP. I plan to rescue one just as soon as Simerly and I move into our own place. All monies raised are going to be put into a website and any efforts we can find to help this highly misunderstood breed of Dogs. Please stay tuned and watch for the release of this shirt which will have ALL of its profits going into the development of the Non a Profit of the same name. I am excited to have this dream. Disciples Of Chaos will be built around the helping of Pitbulls and other Addicts in music whom want a different life. Of course Music, fashion, and the alternative culture will be ever present. I'm hoping that in time we can make a difference in some peoples lived and bring about understanding of the amazing Pitbulls whom are such awesome dogs I just can't express it all in words. I want to thank Brian Annan who started on this artwork without us ever even meeting or talking. This is also a story to be told at a later date. Hopefully we will have the shirts done sooner than later due to our friends over at holy Mountain printing. We will make you all aware of the shirts as soon as they are done. Thanks again Kirk Lloyd

The Synanon Church: Extreme?

 So with my recent research of early Christianity and Religious Cults I stumbled upon The Synanon. Sounds like a Detox Unit in many city's.Its a very fascinating thing to me that these extreme beliefs of a group have been somewhat adopted by some of the more successful treatment programs of today. That being said I plan to do more extensive research into this so called cult/religion that adopted AA as a way of life but seemingly took it a step further. I find little about extreme living and beliefs shocking. As for this Synanon I am even more intrigued because of my own experience with AA, drug addiction and treatments of various types. I have never been a fan of "cold turkey" type detoxing but I understand it's effectiveness after my own detox in a county jail cell off of Methadone. I will share more here as I find it out.As I said I look forward to discovering more about Charles Dederich and The Synanon Church. Stay tuned for more.

Missing Out

 So after making the decision to not go out to see The Sword and Big Business I keep feeling that I'm a little too cautious at times.I was not feeling well by the time the hour to travel down to the Tremont came.The only reason I even find a need to discuss this matter or write about it I believe is that I owe others some sort of explanation for not being there.Its hard enough to deal with my own personal bashing then tack on some good old fashioned gossip and Judgementalism. I say I could give a fuck what others think of my no show at an event I was on a list semi scheduled to attend. I do know this, I'm grateful for my understanding Girlfriend whom never took it personal or got selfishly mad we weren't going and a couple true friends just reached out in whole hearted concern and let me know they were checking up on me.I know I'm not really that important and I know my mind creates much of its own "Dilemma."So for today I will chalk this one up to a good learning experience. In my heart I know I made the best choice in regards to completing that 24 hrs clean & sober. Now onward with today. God Help Me!!!

Morning Meditations/ Prayer

I know that both meditation and prayer are touchy subjects for most everyone.Especially in the music scene I'm somewhat known in I think most people are very intolerant to either of these.I know for years I almost hated the idea of either one. I was an extreme case of a person who had built his existence and mission of artistic vision on a huge resentment towards God himself.As suprising as it may seem though I have always believed in God. I believe now I had a warped sense or understanding of God though. Being raised Catholic with a dash of Southern Baptist had created a sense of hatred,anger and fear.Im not sure what or which incident surrounding Catholicism had set me on my complete denial of being a Catholic but I knew exactly what those Baptist Ministers had done and I still have anger for those men no matter how good their intentions to "save my soul."

   I built much of buzzoven on this anger and hatred for organized religion. Although not as angry today, I have found little use for organized religion. In Recovery I have searched though. Searching for answers that don't really exist have brought me to the conclusion that I can be a Man of God and society can still keep its religions.I do believe in morals and trying to live by a good example and walking in a manner to set a good example. This is no easy task. I especially find difficulty because simply I have come to enjoy Chaos.I have had people tell me I'm addicted to Chaos.Maybe this is fact but I know as I've grown older I'm becoming more content with simpler things. For me to I have found it absolutely crucial to Pray. There is freedom in prayer.After living in a self made prison for most of my life,a small taste of Freedom is nice. Try it!!

Melting Snow

So as we watch the snow slowly drift away I get a feeling of cleansing as it melts and washes clean water all down the streets. Wash Away. What's away my sins. So as we look to the weeks further one must ask is this enough water to cleanse scum from the street? I have been working diligently on my upcoming book. It has been rather difficult to look back into past journals. But I also find it cleansing in a sense. Rereading some of my past endeavors as well as failures seem to remind me how far I have come. Yet still so very far to go. All I know is that things have somewhat improved. I plan to continue along on my new journey. My new pass takes me to places that are completely unknown to me because most of my previous visits I was altered state of mind. Anyway break time is over. Got to get back to rehearsing k.lloyd tunes as well as a few new buzzoven songs. Will be playing opening for Roger Alan Wade if all goes as planned at the Maywood February 28 in Raleigh North Carolina. This is not confirmed yet so I probably shouldn't be saying anything. Regardless I plan to be at the show. Hopefully I will see some of you there.

K.Lloyd "Bootleg Volume One" Is Done and Out.

 Just wanted to drop a few words after writing a bigger piece on my other blog Demon Spit about this CD.Recorded in NOLA throughout 2007-2008,it has some NOLA Alumni including Mr.Jimmy Bower(Down,EHG)on drums.Brian Patton(EHG,Soilent Green) and Earl Roesch Jr.(Clearlight) on Slide guitar.Brian adds some acoustic and Electric hollow body to a couple of tracks.These guys really were my saving grace and their abilities to shred on their personal instruments made this recording an amazing experience.It is available under the Bootleg status because 1.The Masters were lost so there was no final mix or enhancements done to much of it 2.It has 3 bonus tracks from "Solow" my debut k.lloyd cd that was released but never distributed or really promoted properly seeing as though Sleeping Village Records folded before any real work was done.This was supposed to be on Neurot Recordings in its initial time of being made but due to my own Demons this never came to pass.Its available through my own newly found label D.O.C. Music and will be available on vinyl soon in Europe. My Proud Mountain Records will release the Vinyl and the CDS are available for $10 plus postage from buzzovenmerchandise.bigcartel.com. We hope you enjoy this recording as we will be rereleasing k.lloyd "Solow" as D.O.C. Music #2 which will both be available while k.lloyd finishes up work writing and recording his full length #3.This 3rd full length will be released on Rusty Knuckles.The home label for fellow Queen City Punk Godfathers Antiseen,Billy Don Burns,Husky Burnette,Crank County Daredevils and many many more.I am super excited about this upcoming #3 full length.I believe it will showcase my best songwriting to date.Im grateful to the guys i know who helped me remember my love for music.

D.O.C. Music : My Label and Home

So i wanted to inform everyone of the label and merchandising company that i have started and will be working hard throughout the rest of this year getting as much done as i can.The first two CD releases are both k.lloyd. The first is "Bootleg Volume One" which is the album purepainblues NOLA that was supposed to be released on Neurot Recordings but that deal never came to fruition.It has Jimmy Bower on Drums and Brian Patton on Second Guitar.Both of EHG.Also some amazing slide guitar work by Earl Jr. formerly of New Orleans own Instrumental Jam band Clearlight.Mystic Krewe of Clearlight were always one of my personal favorites.The late Joey Lacaze did some killer drumwork in this band.
   Also in the good news section is a newly secured relationship with the mighty Rusty KNuckles and Altco Records.Ralph Miller from Rusty Knuckles dropped out of no where into my radar and through some extensive back and forth online and each of us checking the possibilities out we agreed upon buzzoven doing its first new song back "in the game" lets say on a split 7 inch with Carolinas own Crank County Daredevils.We hope to have the track done by March so that this mighty slab of Vinyl can be sent off to the presses.Also the k.lloyd semi official full length will come out on Rusty Knuckles probably toward the end of 2014.Altco is mainly Stevie Tombstone of whom i was introduced by Ralph and have found we have many strange similarities in the world of crash and burn.Stevie has been a huge help to me just recently as i do find it very difficult to balance much of anything in life.Doing music is my job and i plan to keep it that way.Stevie and i will be meeting up this month to track a few new songs for the Altco Label which is a sub-division of Rusty KNuckles.I have been so excited about all of this developing without me having to do much but be open minded and let people who have more knowledge with development of a solo artist.My old friends Antiseen and Black Eyed Vermillion are both on these 2 labels.Also the great Billy Don Burns of whom i was communicating with back in 2007 when i recorded both of my k.lloyd full lengths of which im touring and promoting now.
    Hopefully as all of this develops and buzzoven gets prepared for the European ONSLAUGHT and i gradually make my way into the solo artist arena i can maintain my new found Sanity which i was recently diagnosed legally crazy and im properly medicated.Im hoping to release vinyl of both k.lloyd full lengths and in time release a CD or two by a few upcoming artists that have been led to me and i think maybe the general public may like.
    The big thing is im back active and participating in LIFE again.Being bi-polar and a Recovering Addict/Alcoholic is no easy path but i do find that things could be much worse.AS im editing my first book( with the title of this blog ) im realizing that i was getting better all along.I was stuck by my own FEAR at times but im alive and i love music.The God i believe in speaks to me positively through many types of music and almost daily.I am so grateful for my ability to spin a song and vent my emotions or tell a tale.Its a gift not everyone has.The moral to this is its only a gift that i can keep if im willing to give it away and pass it along.I pray that my little label and my music touches someones heart and allows them some relief from whatever it is in their struggle.I know my music helps me in a huge way.I mean all this with sincere humility and want everyone to know how gracious i am your even reading this far along.Thank You!!!Thank You SO,SO very much! You all give me a purpose and for that i am Eternally GRATEFUL!!!  

Buzzoven- "REBIRTH" New David Paul Seymour T-Shirt

So I wasn't planning to release this shirt just yet but I have changed my mind.Its going to be a Roadburn exclusive zip up hoodie.The hoodie will be seen and available only at Roadburn and is something I look forward to greatly.My relationship with David Paul Seymour the artist stems back to when I was not in the best state of mind and was being medicated for my bi-polar by a Hack of a Doctor.I was losing my sense of Reality and sanity to put it plainly.David was a trooper and stuck with me through this part of my own personal tragedy that make up who I am today.I am far from being the man I would like to be.This blog is one way that I try to give a small chunk of my being to someone else who suffers from a Dual Diagnosis like I do.It mainly allows me an avenue of journaling and writing whatever I feel like I want to.You can also read the notes on my personal Facebook page if you have any interest in delving deeper into my thoughts and Ramblings.Regardless I plan to continue doing my writings and I still don't know how to type or use the internet to its full capability.These will be coming soon from my own personal store.I want to thank David for doing such a great job and encourage all of you to go and check out his work at his website. davidpaulseymour.com. When these are printed and available you all will know so Untill then you can pre order the shirt for $20.00 plus postage from buzzovenmerchandise.bigcartel.com.  

trudging Through vile ThINkiNg!

   So as I keep making mistakes some days I remain abstinent from drugs and alcohol to just have a fighting chance at Recovery long term.They say Keep It Simple.Hahaha....easier to say than do.It takes practice and questions at an almost constant and then for me Trust and Faith in My God has to come in almost immediately but I know this as well,Honesty is #1.If I'm not feeling it or I'm disrupted I have to be honest.I so much of the time end up having to make amends for this behavior and it sucks doing so especially if I THINK I'm right and someone else wrong.Im a Junkie that lives with his Mommy.Almost 45 and although guilt and shame do know good it's the reality of where I put myself.My sponsor in A.A. Seems pissed off a good bit of the time but I keep it in the forefront that he has had to put up with me as a sponsee for going on 3 years.I relapsed in that time frame but I'm more vigilant now.No desire to escape,drink,shoot dope or shoot out windows so I would say something is working.God lead the way.PLEASE HELP ME STAY OUT OF THE WAY.No laughter on this sentence cause when Misery and Pain are all you end up living its High Time to stop digging up more holes.Well unless someone's shooting out windows near my Moms Condo.Hahahahaha.........I couldn't resist.Bless it!

Dissolving In Wreckage

So it seems the piper has come to collect.Hiring a shitty attorney is my first mistake.Resistance of my responsibility is not my flake.Its and intern condition on a psychaotic condition.Spit on the hand,bite the mental curdle that wrips into the divine.What is the angle? Why am i so late/.? RECRUIT. ReCtiFy + y WhY y. Its a by product of a disease i suffer from.Its called Alcoholism and Addiction.There is no EASY WAY to go about so much of lifes trials and especially getting back in the game of life.Life is Life and SHIT HAPPENS. The key for me is to carry myself through situations that i used to be blacked out or nodded off during without creating anymore piles of dirtkicker piles.I am no preacher and i am far from having a real clue about applying these tools of REcovery to anything besides my wants. God has had me all along and fear of the unknown and trying new things has always scared me more than a syringe full of dope but slowly im beginning too see that i can live life one day at a time and i dont even want to run or escape.Happy Birthday to my buzzoven brother Randy Felton and dont forget that February is Jeff Clayton month.