It has been quite some time since ive been on here seeing as though i have no internet connection at home!Last trip to NOLA was a success and had an awesome time!!Mixing of the "purepainblues" album has been delayed to early November!k.lloyd & The Disciples will be doing 5-6 shows in early November as well.Louisana and Texas!!Still havent found a label to release the NOLA recordings but i feel the answer is right around the corner!!!
On a diffrent note Relapse Recordings will be releasing "violence from the vault"which is 4 previously unreleased songs from the origanal lineup!!
As for me ive broke down and purchased a Digital Workstation and im currently working on new solow songs!!!
Wednesday, September 9, 2009
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
NOLA-Countrifried Blues!
Well this is less of a writing piece as its an update on new songs being written by myself and Jimmy Bower!!Weve put the k.lloyd stuff to the side and started work on our more country project that has no name yet.Weve got two songs demo'd calles "im gone" and "on the run" and their both great tunes written by Jim but lyrics by me!!Jimmys even doin some vocals that are soundin really good even though he doesnt think so!!Earl Jr.(The master of slide gtr) got here tonite and tomorrow were gonna have a marathon rehearsal of k.lloyd tunes to get ready for the two NOLA shows Thursday and friday!I wish i was closer so we could get together more and do this more often.once every 1-2 years just isnt enuff time.But im grateful for what time we do have!!Ill keep ya'all posted on the weeks developments fer sure!Later,kirklloyd
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Should I......???
You know ive been in the music bussiness on and off for like around 20 years now and i must say ive started to realize over the past couple of months why so many musicians end up self medicating to cope with life.I mean its like disregarding whatever already present mental issues you might have or predisposition because of family etc.....i got high to cope with the fact that i was broke no matter how many shows i played or interviews i did etc,etc....!!I mean this is a very unforgiving bussiness and man lets face it,either your doing well makin money and drawing a audience or your broke and your lucky if your friends come out to witness you play!!Ive been having the most difficulty though just coping with pre stage/show anxiety etc...and especially when im playing solow i feel like im about to go insane with nervous energy and nervousness over any and every element of what shouldnt be a difficult thing for me considering the countless times ive been on stage with buzzov-en.Anyway its been more than obvious that people are broke these days and fewer people can even afford to go to a show let alone buy a cd or possibly a t-shirt.So ive determined that the people i know will obtain a copy of my cd or anything their heart really desires if i feel they will actually listen to the cd or wear the shirts.It just seems like its the best thing to do since my solow project is really my primary thing and despite everyone elses desire to see buzzov-en reunite in some form or fashion im dedicating most all of my energies into k-lloyd in both live solow alone and with The Disciples in NOLA and hopefully soon sometimes with just lead gtr accompinyment!!Yeah i cant spell,HAHAHAHA...
As much as i would love to do a reunion with buzzoven early lineup and at a loss lineup,these aspects of the bussiness im speaking of keep me from having any real faith that the reunion will ever happen without someone with some serious cash to fund just getting everyone in the same room at the same time!!Actually the money is secondary to what it would take to get the machine called Buzzov-en up and rolling again.I am leary of how much i can handle in regards to the stress that ill have to deal with just getting the rehearsals arranged and getting new and old unreleased stuff out!!
Anyway im just feeling a real disconnection with the whole playing live when nobody even really gives a shit and im starting to really see through clear(well clearer)eyes!!I mean the whole whos who and clicks and social bullshit that goes on with many areas of life.I mean for the most part im witnessing a shallowness that is very unattractive to me when it comes to doing interviews,talking with friends and fans,getting on this label or that label and the list goes on...I dont know i just am not excited about dealing with all the red tape or having to put on a smile to talk with people and really all i wanna do is play!
I mean i am way more excited about the music im writing now than i ever was about buzzov-en.Its a whole lot more pressing playing acoustic and actually singing,i know that!!Im going to hang in there and try to be better about doin press and trying to just move ahead even though so much of me feels like pursuing much touring is futile,except i do believe its the only way im gonna get heard and get more comfortable about especially playing solow alone!I mean me and Mike Davidson were talking about how buzzov-en was completely antisocial with the samples and fact that i rarely spoke or connected with the audience unless i was trying to provoke someone or everyone!!
I do know that ive always held a deep dissapointment that i never went to Europe and im definately planning a k.lloyd european tour.My label owner Matt King has been super great and is new to the whole label thing but i think we can take k.lloyd pretty far and beyond the whole sludge/heavy scene!!Im really dying to get introduced to the country/folk scenes and build a NEW audience away and not in the ashes of buzzov-en.
As for this Buzzov-en reunion or getting the second linup back together ill keep you posted.Who knows.I dont know if its really condusive to where i wanna go and the person i am now but i do know the fact that we helped start a whole genre of music and pretty much imploded before really getting to make a true dent in some heads that it might be fun to do some shows and possibly a new record!But on the other hand it really could be the death of me as well!!So im just not really sure at all........................................................To Thine own self Be True!! or "Fully Loaded and Goin Off The Deep End"??HHMMMMMM.............later,kirklloyd
As much as i would love to do a reunion with buzzoven early lineup and at a loss lineup,these aspects of the bussiness im speaking of keep me from having any real faith that the reunion will ever happen without someone with some serious cash to fund just getting everyone in the same room at the same time!!Actually the money is secondary to what it would take to get the machine called Buzzov-en up and rolling again.I am leary of how much i can handle in regards to the stress that ill have to deal with just getting the rehearsals arranged and getting new and old unreleased stuff out!!
Anyway im just feeling a real disconnection with the whole playing live when nobody even really gives a shit and im starting to really see through clear(well clearer)eyes!!I mean the whole whos who and clicks and social bullshit that goes on with many areas of life.I mean for the most part im witnessing a shallowness that is very unattractive to me when it comes to doing interviews,talking with friends and fans,getting on this label or that label and the list goes on...I dont know i just am not excited about dealing with all the red tape or having to put on a smile to talk with people and really all i wanna do is play!
I mean i am way more excited about the music im writing now than i ever was about buzzov-en.Its a whole lot more pressing playing acoustic and actually singing,i know that!!Im going to hang in there and try to be better about doin press and trying to just move ahead even though so much of me feels like pursuing much touring is futile,except i do believe its the only way im gonna get heard and get more comfortable about especially playing solow alone!I mean me and Mike Davidson were talking about how buzzov-en was completely antisocial with the samples and fact that i rarely spoke or connected with the audience unless i was trying to provoke someone or everyone!!
I do know that ive always held a deep dissapointment that i never went to Europe and im definately planning a k.lloyd european tour.My label owner Matt King has been super great and is new to the whole label thing but i think we can take k.lloyd pretty far and beyond the whole sludge/heavy scene!!Im really dying to get introduced to the country/folk scenes and build a NEW audience away and not in the ashes of buzzov-en.
As for this Buzzov-en reunion or getting the second linup back together ill keep you posted.Who knows.I dont know if its really condusive to where i wanna go and the person i am now but i do know the fact that we helped start a whole genre of music and pretty much imploded before really getting to make a true dent in some heads that it might be fun to do some shows and possibly a new record!But on the other hand it really could be the death of me as well!!So im just not really sure at all........................................................To Thine own self Be True!! or "Fully Loaded and Goin Off The Deep End"??HHMMMMMM.............later,kirklloyd
Friday, July 17, 2009
"solow"
So my first cd is finally out on Sleeping Village Records and is available thru myself on my k.lloyd myspace page!!Check it out!!!
Thursday, May 7, 2009
FRAYED
As i become more intwined in this emotional turmoil i step back to see what has relly happened to me and i do not like what is staring ack at me.I have failed all!Failed my family and failed myself!Little to offer anyone At all!Broke,hopeless,homeless.and pretty much a wretched shell of a human being.I just dont know anymore if ill ever be "allright"!!It seems to me i like to look for the worst then suject myself to my own inner turmoil and others as well.Misery loves company but actually i think its become tired of me!!Imagine that,even the worst born leper would run from me!Im tired,so fucking tired.Sometimes i wonder if ill ever again be back in control of "ME"!This disease has really taken me where id never would have believed.Ive done things that i cant even express how much dissapointment and shame hovers all around me!!IF the drugs still worked i would surely be getting high.Thats for sure you wouldnt ask twice you would plainly see.But even my being has desisded to deprive me of any chance of escaping me!But toss in a few others to stir the pot and magnify the hell of my life and what will never become of me.Im a mascot for the hopeless and hurting and i beg my god for just a few seconds of peace and what do they fucking call it?Serenity?HA yeah right im lost and may never be found.The funny thing is that i do understand the only person who can get to the source of all that this feeds is me and u know i just dont trust me!!So here i will sit i assume till the pain gets to great and i give up fot eternity and load a syringe with more than, PLENTY ,to wash over me the warmth of an ending not meant to be seen!!There i will sit untill someone realizes that my intentions were good but plan and tact oh how shitty!!So with that i will go and sit in my head and dream of the day when i no longer have to deal with "ME"!!!
Friday, May 1, 2009
UNFORGIVEN
Oh my god what have i done?
i sit in the hollow its behind my eyes
Each day that passes i wonder even why
why did i try to be honest with him and cry
The bitterness that followed said so much that
in silence the anger festered and an unknown
opinion that helped make up his mind.Give up,give up
i do believe his decision was to never really hold up
knowing the track record of a chronic junkie design.
You say my illness is deeper than that with which your willing
to deal with,help with or basically ever even shake hands with!
its funny how when things are goin well everyone will be a friend
but if it doesnt go smoothly their understanding clicks back to ZERO!
Well this i know and that is i still love youNo matter what you do
I will ALWAYS be here for you.But i forgot you seem to have it all
completely under control.Never say never cause i hope that day you
feel the monkey ridin shotgun and there is just no turnin back i want my hand
to be there or at least someone who can and is willing to hold on to
understand you,because i know from many more times there really is no
REASON
Im moving on into this new chapter of my life and im gonna fight my demons
I plan to love more and try to figure out how i can avoid just slamming into doors!!
My need to blleed remains but damn im runnin on empty.I know that they just
dont care about what happens in my ends.Surround myself with true friends and try
some diffrent approaches to dealing with myself.So far been un successful but tomorrow
is a new day and in the end i will remain always unforgiven!!
ALWAYS UNFORGIVEN!!!
i sit in the hollow its behind my eyes
Each day that passes i wonder even why
why did i try to be honest with him and cry
The bitterness that followed said so much that
in silence the anger festered and an unknown
opinion that helped make up his mind.Give up,give up
i do believe his decision was to never really hold up
knowing the track record of a chronic junkie design.
You say my illness is deeper than that with which your willing
to deal with,help with or basically ever even shake hands with!
its funny how when things are goin well everyone will be a friend
but if it doesnt go smoothly their understanding clicks back to ZERO!
Well this i know and that is i still love youNo matter what you do
I will ALWAYS be here for you.But i forgot you seem to have it all
completely under control.Never say never cause i hope that day you
feel the monkey ridin shotgun and there is just no turnin back i want my hand
to be there or at least someone who can and is willing to hold on to
understand you,because i know from many more times there really is no
REASON
Im moving on into this new chapter of my life and im gonna fight my demons
I plan to love more and try to figure out how i can avoid just slamming into doors!!
My need to blleed remains but damn im runnin on empty.I know that they just
dont care about what happens in my ends.Surround myself with true friends and try
some diffrent approaches to dealing with myself.So far been un successful but tomorrow
is a new day and in the end i will remain always unforgiven!!
ALWAYS UNFORGIVEN!!!
What is Old??
I just turned 40 and i wasnt very happy about it but to be honest i really dont know why except for the fact that i think none of us like to face the fact that aging is a part of life and that Death is what we are working towards whether we like to acknowledge that fact or not it is just the reality of life.Our time here is very short in comparison to what comes after we leave this plane of existence.We all have diffrent opinions and beliefs on that subject as well and im not gonna sit here and bore you with mine!!I do know that when i was younger i had this silly like belief and want to die at age 27 like so many of our musical heros and icons.Im an addict and i didnt start using necesarily to be like these other artists but i did romanticize the whole dying before my time and being some famous dead junkie/artist/musician and everyone thinking i was so great and cool.I have many friends in the music industry who could be reading this now and laughing and saying to themselves and their other true art friends how cheesy this is but i actually could give a fuck about any of their opinions and i pride myself on being comfortable enough with myself that i can share these thoughts and feelings with all of you because i believe in blunt honesty.Its not always nice or cool but at least its the truth and not a piece of make believe crap that is written to boast my ego or my fake gratitude to people who i really have little interest in!!
Thats right im 40 now and i may be broke and have no job and no home of my own but im rich in Faith and im working on myself and also trying to learn to be a friend and do what i can to help others.The legacy i wanna leave behind is i was a good man that loved everyone and would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it.Also most all people close to me no matter what they do i will love them unconditionally.Especially when it comes to battling the disease Addiction.I will always put out my arm and hand to any of my brothers no matter what they have done and i will forgive them and try and help them forgive themselves.I know my difficulty forgiving me has kept me sick and still does from time to time.To my brothers who are struggling with thid disease but have some time under their belt i wanna say im happy and proud of you but please dont forget where you came from and know from my own expierence your only one bad decision away from that pipe,powder,syringe or whatever would bring you down or even worse kill you!!!
Im going to do my best with gods help to make this chapter in my life a productive one and im hoping thru staying busy and getting help with my disease that i can keep my demons at bay but also tap into them for inspiration with my writing and music!!!My evil monkey is in my closet so when i open that door i gotta be careful cause he still likes to run off on occasions!!
Anyway thanks to all my friends and family for putting up with me and to the friends who have bannished me,well ill pray for you!!!I hope and pray for a good year and im gonna work at it and do my part to stay strong and get things done.
Im gonna start back with this blog as well so thanks to all of you who read it and support me on my art and music.Untill next time be kind to those closest to you and always try love and compassion before anger and self centerdness.Trust me though it does take lots of practice!!Take care!!! k.lloyd
Thats right im 40 now and i may be broke and have no job and no home of my own but im rich in Faith and im working on myself and also trying to learn to be a friend and do what i can to help others.The legacy i wanna leave behind is i was a good man that loved everyone and would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it.Also most all people close to me no matter what they do i will love them unconditionally.Especially when it comes to battling the disease Addiction.I will always put out my arm and hand to any of my brothers no matter what they have done and i will forgive them and try and help them forgive themselves.I know my difficulty forgiving me has kept me sick and still does from time to time.To my brothers who are struggling with thid disease but have some time under their belt i wanna say im happy and proud of you but please dont forget where you came from and know from my own expierence your only one bad decision away from that pipe,powder,syringe or whatever would bring you down or even worse kill you!!!
Im going to do my best with gods help to make this chapter in my life a productive one and im hoping thru staying busy and getting help with my disease that i can keep my demons at bay but also tap into them for inspiration with my writing and music!!!My evil monkey is in my closet so when i open that door i gotta be careful cause he still likes to run off on occasions!!
Anyway thanks to all my friends and family for putting up with me and to the friends who have bannished me,well ill pray for you!!!I hope and pray for a good year and im gonna work at it and do my part to stay strong and get things done.
Im gonna start back with this blog as well so thanks to all of you who read it and support me on my art and music.Untill next time be kind to those closest to you and always try love and compassion before anger and self centerdness.Trust me though it does take lots of practice!!Take care!!! k.lloyd
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Who the fuck allowed this to happen??
As i delve into this day that is my 40 th b-day all i can do is reflect and although ive been a very negative space and thinking of how much i havent accomplished and that i dont have shit to show for 40 years on this earth but i also realize that thinking this way is no good!!!Im grabbing for positive but my mind and heart continue to stab and tell me that yes kirk you are a loser and your a junkie thats never gonna fuckin change.I never ever thought i would live this long out of all honesty but im here whether i like it or not.I know im grateful to god and my brothers in The almighty riff kept on me to keep at least playin my k.lloyd stuff.My girlfriend Jennifer and her son Cameron bring alot of love into my life and im super grateful and glad to have them in my life.Its just so hard to see and figure out where all the years have gone and how ive managed to get by and also stay alive!!I will post a full account of the full days emotions and going ons later tonite.God help me make it thru this day and make me do whatever im intended to do!!!Thanx,kirklloyd
Friday, April 24, 2009
Im back!!!
Sorry i havent had any posts on here but had to put computer in the shop.But now that its back ill be posting more regularly.
My cd "solow"is currently being pressed and should be available by mid May and im pretty stoked on that.Anyway its one of few things going well at the moment.Dont wanna bore ya with whining but man its tough gettin by and the older ya get the harder it is to just make it through the day without eating a double barrell!!I will write more later!!
Im a canidate for suicide the older that i get!Im a canidate for suicide the drugs have taken their toll!!!-Shelton Williams!!
C ya!!!!!!!!!!!!
My cd "solow"is currently being pressed and should be available by mid May and im pretty stoked on that.Anyway its one of few things going well at the moment.Dont wanna bore ya with whining but man its tough gettin by and the older ya get the harder it is to just make it through the day without eating a double barrell!!I will write more later!!
Im a canidate for suicide the older that i get!Im a canidate for suicide the drugs have taken their toll!!!-Shelton Williams!!
C ya!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Have a drink on me!
As many know its mardis grai in NOLA right now and i wish i was there as many of my friends are.Buzzoven played Checkpoint Charlies for the first time in early 90s and me and the owner agreed that each year the sat.b4 Fat Tuesday would be buzzoven nite forever and i could book any bands we wanted and run the whole day and nite and we had some awesome shows each year.sour vein became a usual and after the final 98 show i believe in 99 it was billed for that nite as usual but Dixies other band weedeater showed up and didnt announce they werent buzzo..untill they started their set.Its my understanding that T~roy and sour vein as well as weedeater have kept the sat.night tradition going even 2 this day.I do miss bein there and its possible u might witness a reunion of sorts in 2010 of buzzoven at mardis gras as im also planning a k~lloyd and the disciples gig at another venue during mardis gras if everyones schedule permits.well have to wait and see. Ive had some amazing crazy times at mardis gras!
Friday, February 13, 2009
FRUSTRATION IN ALL AREAS.......
It just seems like nothing is coming together these days!Besides lifes usual problems like no money to pay the rent or the power bill i just cant find a moment of peace to set down and play and write or enjoy my favorite pastime-MUSIC!My main acoustic is in the pawn shop and needs to be paid on to avoid loss of it.Which trust me i will not lose another chosen important gtr.Ive lost so many its pathetic.I try to stay positive and do the next right thing but damn its hard sometimes.The "solow" cd will be coming out soon on Sleeping Village Records but i really wanted to complete mixing all the songs i did in NOLA with Jimmy Bower,Earl and B.Patton but the funds to get down there just arent there and for this fact alone i feel like im failing.It will get done i know but i wanted that record to be the Debut release as they call it.But fuck it i am grateful that any of it will see the light of day.I know that if i would move to NOLA that this shit would have been done ages ago.I just felt that moving there wasnt in my best interest in regards to my own path staying sober!
Anyway i guess this is all me venting!!Not great reading material im sure but hey this is my blog and there is no set guideline and this is where im at!!If i went to many other areas of my life id sound like a whiny bitch and thats not me!!
Hopefully with persistence things will come together for my trip to NOLA to finish the work on "purepainblues"and its possible that a cd ep will come out soon of the 4-5 songs that are semi finished and mixed!!We will see.
I dont remember all of this stuff with planning etc.....being so difficult back in the buzzoven days but we also had a little more money to work with and i had some help from my bandmates and lets face facts,I was just a little HIGH!!!!!
So another day ill trudge forward and hopefully make some progress in getting things in order in my own house so that then ill be able to more fully approach and deal with these things.If im moving forward at all its a good thing!!RIGHT???
Anyway i guess this is all me venting!!Not great reading material im sure but hey this is my blog and there is no set guideline and this is where im at!!If i went to many other areas of my life id sound like a whiny bitch and thats not me!!
Hopefully with persistence things will come together for my trip to NOLA to finish the work on "purepainblues"and its possible that a cd ep will come out soon of the 4-5 songs that are semi finished and mixed!!We will see.
I dont remember all of this stuff with planning etc.....being so difficult back in the buzzoven days but we also had a little more money to work with and i had some help from my bandmates and lets face facts,I was just a little HIGH!!!!!
So another day ill trudge forward and hopefully make some progress in getting things in order in my own house so that then ill be able to more fully approach and deal with these things.If im moving forward at all its a good thing!!RIGHT???
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Dont Let Love DIE!!
Im letting my mind and heart relax now.The development of a sitiuation that is based in total dysfunction is not a path to a healthy way of living and co-existing with ones you love.Love alone should be enough to conquer this virus in many american homes and familys but as the past has proven it is not enough.When you dont have anything sane and normal to build on why wouldnt one expect complete chaos and dysfunction??Please i ask you to open your mind and open your eyes to that beast that WILL destroy you!I will not stand by and cosign this virus of emotion.There is no try there is only DO!Oh please my god,come help me!COME HELP HER!!Please come help us to see what must be done.What can we change??I ask you Lord to open the minds and spirit of whom i speak and also open mine as im just as sick of those i seek!My higher power will have to guide these days and keep my Love out front because resentment,anger and shame will creep right through the vines of my mind and tweak every nerve till i lose all control and run deeper back inside.Oh my dear,my dear what will you find?Face it and i promise we will come out on a better side.Dont face it and that wonderous Love will surely DIE!!
I am with you,i am with you.i am right here by your side!As you venture back into what you must divide,conquer and rise,i'll be with you in spirit at least, cause your journey will not be mine.But also know that the path you take,if you tap your strength and no matter what do rise,will surely cross into my venture in this day to tap back into light!I do not claim that i have reached this place where we will meet,but i hope and pray that we both have the strength to face the pain that infects our otherwise sunny days!It can be done i know it can.If we really go forward into the sun i want you to know im with you as that pains increase
d.I do hope that this Love can survive.Its not warm in the lonely isolated mind.
Im resting now!Im hoping for HOPE to stay alive.Im praying as well.I do realize that a higher wisdom is what will have to guide us both to a better self awareness and the strength to not let this dysfunction take over and just copletely divide!Please oh Lord help me,help her and especially help us!!I want my Love to regain its shine!!!!!
I am with you,i am with you.i am right here by your side!As you venture back into what you must divide,conquer and rise,i'll be with you in spirit at least, cause your journey will not be mine.But also know that the path you take,if you tap your strength and no matter what do rise,will surely cross into my venture in this day to tap back into light!I do not claim that i have reached this place where we will meet,but i hope and pray that we both have the strength to face the pain that infects our otherwise sunny days!It can be done i know it can.If we really go forward into the sun i want you to know im with you as that pains increase
d.I do hope that this Love can survive.Its not warm in the lonely isolated mind.
Im resting now!Im hoping for HOPE to stay alive.Im praying as well.I do realize that a higher wisdom is what will have to guide us both to a better self awareness and the strength to not let this dysfunction take over and just copletely divide!Please oh Lord help me,help her and especially help us!!I want my Love to regain its shine!!!!!
Thursday, February 5, 2009
Eternal Headache
This endless chatter of a family intertwined by the anger that holds its threads can sometimes drive an individual to a pulsating ache that sometimes seems to never cease.Your intention of helping is only turning you to a weave of the threads that are still a part of this entity.What should one do when they find themselves at odds with why they even try on a daily basis?At times it seems to ease but usually that can only be credited to a chemical altering the mood for only a moment that as always comes to a crashing end.What is the diagnosis?Should we ask a so called professional who was taught the solutions to OUR problems through a book at a school?Or is it that the problem isnt really a problem its just we need to accept it as our life and fate?I ponder on the things that seem to always drive me crazy as it seems just being awake can be such a continous challenge.Does the diagnosis match the true design of my sitiuation?Should i even be seeking a diagnosis as i am one who has an allergy to the treatments of these so called professionals.Maybe in the silence of the day i can find a lonely answer!The problem usually can be though that there never is a silence as the chaos and noise is forever an echo in my own head!Please give me a moment,just one hidden moment of peace!What does it mean?Why is life so mean?Or is it that i have still not learned to accept the ways of this lifes dealings?This day will end as another begins but it seems im still reaching for an accurate diagnosis to at least temporarily end the chaos in my head!
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
TOUGH LOVE??
Well here i lie once again wondering why people make choices that i find totally uncaring and pretty much just shitty all the way around.I know my perception of things is almost always distorted in some disturbing way.My emotions ALWAYS get the better of me!I begin to understand most situations(or at least i think i do)days or even months or years after the incident.Ive always kinda prided myself on being a person thaT Speaks from the heart and say what i think and fuck whoever doesnt like it or doesnt want to hear it.Ive realized with age that this can be a great thing but you still have to be selective and tactful especially if this has to do with people you want to remain friends with or family you dont want to totally write you off!
Back in my days of heavy drinking i spoke my mind so much that i almost always ended up with black eyes or friends pissed at me.Sometimes even in jail.When your drunk as hell.blacked out and in jail the response to speaking your mind comes in a unique form-MACE!!Damn that stuff burns.My ignorance came thru loud and clear when i was blacked out!I was always amazed at what just a little bit of spit could do back then.I still have never figured out why when i was blacked out drunk that i insisted on doing everything i could to get someone to beat my ass!Believe me ive had my fair share of ass whoopings and probably would have gotten many more if it werent for my brothers(bandmates,friends) sneaking me out back doors around corners or just repeatedly appologizing and affirming i was drunk asshole that didnt know any better.
I do believe though that it all boils down to emotions getting the best of me.Im a pro at self sabotage and i say this not with one ounce of pride.It sucks cause even when im attempting to make good decisions this monster sneaks in and moments later im kicking myself in the head.
I recently was wrote off by a longtime friend who initially just tried to say hey i can only love you from a distance and instead of respecting his wishes i immediately let my HURT get the best of me and said a bunch of things that i didnt even mean.I know ive been bringing this up often in these writings but its because as i get older im realizing that i want to love people and people to love me.I dont give a fuck if all this sounds sappy and cheezy cause the whole bad-ass "dont fuck with me" attitude has never gotten me anything but more loss and pain.Thats right im being humble because when you have your ass drug through the mud and your head beat in over and over again and then you realize the only person whos hurting you is YOU,you get humble.Months of sleeping under plywood standing on a street corner with a sign begging for money or food can also have a humbling effect if you dont decide that its not so bad and stay in that life!
This is not a pity seeking mission either nor is it a look how hardcore my life was and i got more junkie credibility than you its a fucking damn reminder to myself to stay HUMBLE!!I should have respected thats person wishes but instead i acted like alittle bitch who was being betrayed and pushed away for no reason!If someone you love says" hey i cant deal with being a friend to you right now"the way i can show unconditional love is to respect their wishes.If their really a true friend and your life is in at least some order time will reunite you when its right.This world and no one in it owes me shit.I want to always remember that friendship is a gift.One that you have to earn to trully recieve.
Their are a few people i know that i have the same attitude towards.I love em and i care about them but i know if i try to help them to much its only gonna pull me down.I know it sounds selfish but turning your back on someone in some cases may be the best thing you ever did for them.
My mind and perception are always playin tricks and i try to remember that but honestly emotion still gets the best of me everytime.Tough love sucks!I really dont like it but i also know for a fact that it has saved many peoples lives.Id like to think that my life has changed so much that no one i know feels the need to be "at a distance"but even though im not slammin dope in my veins and im not head deep in active addiction,my life is still a mess and so am i!I really dont know if ill ever function like the rest of the so called 'NORMAL" world but i do know that i wanna remain humble and be grateful for all the friends and family i do still have.That fucking wet plywood bed in the weeds is just a step away.I hope and pray my insanity doesnt drive me to the point where i accept that way of life cause it aint life!Like they say though "NEVER SAY NEVER"!
Back in my days of heavy drinking i spoke my mind so much that i almost always ended up with black eyes or friends pissed at me.Sometimes even in jail.When your drunk as hell.blacked out and in jail the response to speaking your mind comes in a unique form-MACE!!Damn that stuff burns.My ignorance came thru loud and clear when i was blacked out!I was always amazed at what just a little bit of spit could do back then.I still have never figured out why when i was blacked out drunk that i insisted on doing everything i could to get someone to beat my ass!Believe me ive had my fair share of ass whoopings and probably would have gotten many more if it werent for my brothers(bandmates,friends) sneaking me out back doors around corners or just repeatedly appologizing and affirming i was drunk asshole that didnt know any better.
I do believe though that it all boils down to emotions getting the best of me.Im a pro at self sabotage and i say this not with one ounce of pride.It sucks cause even when im attempting to make good decisions this monster sneaks in and moments later im kicking myself in the head.
I recently was wrote off by a longtime friend who initially just tried to say hey i can only love you from a distance and instead of respecting his wishes i immediately let my HURT get the best of me and said a bunch of things that i didnt even mean.I know ive been bringing this up often in these writings but its because as i get older im realizing that i want to love people and people to love me.I dont give a fuck if all this sounds sappy and cheezy cause the whole bad-ass "dont fuck with me" attitude has never gotten me anything but more loss and pain.Thats right im being humble because when you have your ass drug through the mud and your head beat in over and over again and then you realize the only person whos hurting you is YOU,you get humble.Months of sleeping under plywood standing on a street corner with a sign begging for money or food can also have a humbling effect if you dont decide that its not so bad and stay in that life!
This is not a pity seeking mission either nor is it a look how hardcore my life was and i got more junkie credibility than you its a fucking damn reminder to myself to stay HUMBLE!!I should have respected thats person wishes but instead i acted like alittle bitch who was being betrayed and pushed away for no reason!If someone you love says" hey i cant deal with being a friend to you right now"the way i can show unconditional love is to respect their wishes.If their really a true friend and your life is in at least some order time will reunite you when its right.This world and no one in it owes me shit.I want to always remember that friendship is a gift.One that you have to earn to trully recieve.
Their are a few people i know that i have the same attitude towards.I love em and i care about them but i know if i try to help them to much its only gonna pull me down.I know it sounds selfish but turning your back on someone in some cases may be the best thing you ever did for them.
My mind and perception are always playin tricks and i try to remember that but honestly emotion still gets the best of me everytime.Tough love sucks!I really dont like it but i also know for a fact that it has saved many peoples lives.Id like to think that my life has changed so much that no one i know feels the need to be "at a distance"but even though im not slammin dope in my veins and im not head deep in active addiction,my life is still a mess and so am i!I really dont know if ill ever function like the rest of the so called 'NORMAL" world but i do know that i wanna remain humble and be grateful for all the friends and family i do still have.That fucking wet plywood bed in the weeds is just a step away.I hope and pray my insanity doesnt drive me to the point where i accept that way of life cause it aint life!Like they say though "NEVER SAY NEVER"!
Friday, January 30, 2009
When Will I.............?
Back and forth as the circle of our individual miserys and dissapointments swirl we lash our tongues at all hours of all days in all ways that are to us not unknown.Raised in an environment of shit and hate its easy to lie here comfortable wallowing in mine and your self hate!Attempts to medicate the shame away only work for a second in a seemingly endless day!The irresponsibility in your unnurturing ways ring so loudly in a dissapointing offspring that is wasting away.But who am i to throw a stone? i cant even motivate and execute a simple plan to wake up and make my way to shake the pain of just getting through the day.WHAT??What did you say??You mumble as you degrade me in your special way!OH okay i can reciprocate and play that game.Its in the misery of others that i can fill up my day!What a joke when i call this change!Daydreaming and good intentions wont wash that misery away.Let me pop this pill and see if it will help in even a small way.Those fucking doctors just cant get my treatments arranged in just the right way.If they and the others would see it my way,then maybe just maybe id be happy for maybe one second of one day!!But it doesnt really matter.No matter what happens i need a little misery cause its where i feel sane.If i couldnt feel the anger id have no one to blame.I swear i want to find a better,peaceful way.But all i really know is your misery and my pain!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
Loss,Pain and speaking before thinking!
I am finding that so many times in life that it doesnt matter what your intentions or desires are because when you are plagued with a soul that wants and needs you still better learn to not always speak with true honest emotion and feeling because most people either dont wanna hear it or cant handle hearing it especially if its pointing out charecter flaws,defects or just the general callingof people on their bullshit.Its also hard to find friends who have the balls or true concern to bother calling me on my shit.Its just easier to look the other way or just stay away.Even if its family.Its kind of funny cause im one who tries to be confident and let the ones i love know if im hurting or if im feeling abandoned or if one of these people are full of shit but you know in most of the cases its me who needs to be getting put in line.
Ive always been a person who doesnt take rejection or criticism well but most always im glad that a friend tells me when im being unreasonable or manic.
Its important in any conversation or in correspondence with someone via e-mail,or any written letters to give yourself time to process whats been said to you.I recently lost a longtime friend by not doing this and reacting entirely out of anger and hurt.And once its said or written and sent you can never take them back no matter what was fueling your reaction.
The regret of an action of this nature can run deep and be very painful and also destroy relationships.
my mind is good about decieving me!!I go into many things with a hope of an outcome that benefits me and my friends and loved ones.Intend to keep focused on my part and my attitude and i still lose control and get consumed with some kind of negative emotion and instead of calming down and regaining the positive stable approach i just start swinging and lashing out and saying anything to cause hurt because that is what i feel.
NO matter your intentions it is hard to change!!!!
This is not what this blog page will have on it most of the time but you know my heart is really sore and im very sad and dissapointed in myself ONCE AGAIN!!I must say this i by no means mean to sound like im preaching but those people in your life that you consider to be close and family that u might not like all the time but love dearly,no matter what they say,dont say.do or dont do always take the time to respond or talk to them with love and compassion.Even if their giving you nothing but a cold shoulder or treating you poorly be careful about what you say because you dont want to hurt these people!Especially immediate family who in many cases are the only ones that are gonna be by your side in your final days.
I do believe that their is no amount of money or fame or pleasure that can compare to the richness of having true friends!!I do know that to have friends you must first also be a friend! this is where i have most always fallen short!!Relationships can be hard but i do know that in most cases with the people i consider to be my close friends i will never give them the cold shoulder completely.If nothing else i will listen and tell them I love them no matter what!You never know when you could be in their same situation and you have to treat people the way you would want them to treat you!!
On most days i feel like digging a hole and isolating there forever because all relationships are hard!My understanding of myself and the fact that i have so many unhealthy ways of thought and response make me want to begin a process of not reacting out of anger and resentment all the time.I have been this way for so long and im trying to better understand and change into the man that could be a better friend and son etc.....But on most days it seems like im just still digging that hole!!!
Ive always been a person who doesnt take rejection or criticism well but most always im glad that a friend tells me when im being unreasonable or manic.
Its important in any conversation or in correspondence with someone via e-mail,or any written letters to give yourself time to process whats been said to you.I recently lost a longtime friend by not doing this and reacting entirely out of anger and hurt.And once its said or written and sent you can never take them back no matter what was fueling your reaction.
The regret of an action of this nature can run deep and be very painful and also destroy relationships.
my mind is good about decieving me!!I go into many things with a hope of an outcome that benefits me and my friends and loved ones.Intend to keep focused on my part and my attitude and i still lose control and get consumed with some kind of negative emotion and instead of calming down and regaining the positive stable approach i just start swinging and lashing out and saying anything to cause hurt because that is what i feel.
NO matter your intentions it is hard to change!!!!
This is not what this blog page will have on it most of the time but you know my heart is really sore and im very sad and dissapointed in myself ONCE AGAIN!!I must say this i by no means mean to sound like im preaching but those people in your life that you consider to be close and family that u might not like all the time but love dearly,no matter what they say,dont say.do or dont do always take the time to respond or talk to them with love and compassion.Even if their giving you nothing but a cold shoulder or treating you poorly be careful about what you say because you dont want to hurt these people!Especially immediate family who in many cases are the only ones that are gonna be by your side in your final days.
I do believe that their is no amount of money or fame or pleasure that can compare to the richness of having true friends!!I do know that to have friends you must first also be a friend! this is where i have most always fallen short!!Relationships can be hard but i do know that in most cases with the people i consider to be my close friends i will never give them the cold shoulder completely.If nothing else i will listen and tell them I love them no matter what!You never know when you could be in their same situation and you have to treat people the way you would want them to treat you!!
On most days i feel like digging a hole and isolating there forever because all relationships are hard!My understanding of myself and the fact that i have so many unhealthy ways of thought and response make me want to begin a process of not reacting out of anger and resentment all the time.I have been this way for so long and im trying to better understand and change into the man that could be a better friend and son etc.....But on most days it seems like im just still digging that hole!!!
Thursday, January 22, 2009
Introduction Part11......
Well once again im starting on a project that has been ongoing since probably as early as 1998!!Around the same time i started playing acoustic and writing tunes on acoustic in rehab and a few other institutions,i made up my mind that id like to write a memoir of sorts to channel some of my feelings,thoughts and emotion through a diffrent avenue than music.As with many of the songs written over these past 10-12 years,many of my writings and journals are long gone.
I was led to this site through keeping up with a long time friend and kindred spirits music and art.I realized that this would be the best place for me to introduce some of these writings as well as current works.Im not a writer and dont claim to be but i feel this is a great place to start this and give others an oppurtunity to view it and love or hate it!I became quickly overwhelmed with the prospect of completing works to fill an entire book so maybe piece by piece one day i can reach that goal.
I plan to write and include many things:journal excerpts past and present,stories from touring with Buzzoven,war stories,whatever im inspired to share!
The title of the blog was what i had origannally planned to call the memoir and is actually a lyric from a song by Steve Von Till.I feel no other title is more appropriate.
As i dig through old storage boxes i plan to put old journal entries from my life when i was totally controlled by my disease!I just want it understood that none of this is an endorsement of that life or a suggestion that their was any reward to the inner hell,loss and pain that addiction brings!Trust me when i say if you live those are your rewards!My intention is neither to glorify my years of abuse nor to judge it.Its simply to give anyone thats interested a little insight into my struggles,triumphs and life dedicated wholeheartadly to music but overtaken by Addiction!
So anyway i hope that anyone that takes a look finds something they relate to or just enjoy!If not i know that this will help me as i continue to find my way back a day at a time......
Take care,kirk lloyd
I was led to this site through keeping up with a long time friend and kindred spirits music and art.I realized that this would be the best place for me to introduce some of these writings as well as current works.Im not a writer and dont claim to be but i feel this is a great place to start this and give others an oppurtunity to view it and love or hate it!I became quickly overwhelmed with the prospect of completing works to fill an entire book so maybe piece by piece one day i can reach that goal.
I plan to write and include many things:journal excerpts past and present,stories from touring with Buzzoven,war stories,whatever im inspired to share!
The title of the blog was what i had origannally planned to call the memoir and is actually a lyric from a song by Steve Von Till.I feel no other title is more appropriate.
As i dig through old storage boxes i plan to put old journal entries from my life when i was totally controlled by my disease!I just want it understood that none of this is an endorsement of that life or a suggestion that their was any reward to the inner hell,loss and pain that addiction brings!Trust me when i say if you live those are your rewards!My intention is neither to glorify my years of abuse nor to judge it.Its simply to give anyone thats interested a little insight into my struggles,triumphs and life dedicated wholeheartadly to music but overtaken by Addiction!
So anyway i hope that anyone that takes a look finds something they relate to or just enjoy!If not i know that this will help me as i continue to find my way back a day at a time......
Take care,kirk lloyd
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