Thursday, May 7, 2009


As i become more intwined in this emotional turmoil i step back to see what has relly happened to me and i do not like what is staring ack at me.I have failed all!Failed my family and failed myself!Little to offer anyone At all!Broke,hopeless,homeless.and pretty much a wretched shell of a human being.I just dont know anymore if ill ever be "allright"!!It seems to me i like to look for the worst then suject myself to my own inner turmoil and others as well.Misery loves company but actually i think its become tired of me!!Imagine that,even the worst born leper would run from me!Im tired,so fucking tired.Sometimes i wonder if ill ever again be back in control of "ME"!This disease has really taken me where id never would have believed.Ive done things that i cant even express how much dissapointment and shame hovers all around me!!IF the drugs still worked i would surely be getting high.Thats for sure you wouldnt ask twice you would plainly see.But even my being has desisded to deprive me of any chance of escaping me!But toss in a few others to stir the pot and magnify the hell of my life and what will never become of me.Im a mascot for the hopeless and hurting and i beg my god for just a few seconds of peace and what do they fucking call it?Serenity?HA yeah right im lost and may never be found.The funny thing is that i do understand the only person who can get to the source of all that this feeds is me and u know i just dont trust me!!So here i will sit i assume till the pain gets to great and i give up fot eternity and load a syringe with more than, PLENTY ,to wash over me the warmth of an ending not meant to be seen!!There i will sit untill someone realizes that my intentions were good but plan and tact oh how shitty!!So with that i will go and sit in my head and dream of the day when i no longer have to deal with "ME"!!!

Friday, May 1, 2009


Oh my god what have i done?
i sit in the hollow its behind my eyes
Each day that passes i wonder even why
why did i try to be honest with him and cry

The bitterness that followed said so much that
in silence the anger festered and an unknown
opinion that helped make up his mind.Give up,give up
i do believe his decision was to never really hold up
knowing the track record of a chronic junkie design.

You say my illness is deeper than that with which your willing
to deal with,help with or basically ever even shake hands with!
its funny how when things are goin well everyone will be a friend
but if it doesnt go smoothly their understanding clicks back to ZERO!

Well this i know and that is i still love youNo matter what you do
I will ALWAYS be here for you.But i forgot you seem to have it all
completely under control.Never say never cause i hope that day you
feel the monkey ridin shotgun and there is just no turnin back i want my hand
to be there or at least someone who can and is willing to hold on to
understand you,because i know from many more times there really is no
Im moving on into this new chapter of my life and im gonna fight my demons
I plan to love more and try to figure out how i can avoid just slamming into doors!!

My need to blleed remains but damn im runnin on empty.I know that they just
dont care about what happens in my ends.Surround myself with true friends and try
some diffrent approaches to dealing with myself.So far been un successful but tomorrow
is a new day and in the end i will remain always unforgiven!!

What is Old??

I just turned 40 and i wasnt very happy about it but to be honest i really dont know why except for the fact that i think none of us like to face the fact that aging is a part of life and that Death is what we are working towards whether we like to acknowledge that fact or not it is just the reality of life.Our time here is very short in comparison to what comes after we leave this plane of existence.We all have diffrent opinions and beliefs on that subject as well and im not gonna sit here and bore you with mine!!I do know that when i was younger i had this silly like belief and want to die at age 27 like so many of our musical heros and icons.Im an addict and i didnt start using necesarily to be like these other artists but i did romanticize the whole dying before my time and being some famous dead junkie/artist/musician and everyone thinking i was so great and cool.I have many friends in the music industry who could be reading this now and laughing and saying to themselves and their other true art friends how cheesy this is but i actually could give a fuck about any of their opinions and i pride myself on being comfortable enough with myself that i can share these thoughts and feelings with all of you because i believe in blunt honesty.Its not always nice or cool but at least its the truth and not a piece of make believe crap that is written to boast my ego or my fake gratitude to people who i really have little interest in!!
Thats right im 40 now and i may be broke and have no job and no home of my own but im rich in Faith and im working on myself and also trying to learn to be a friend and do what i can to help others.The legacy i wanna leave behind is i was a good man that loved everyone and would give you the shirt off my back if you needed it.Also most all people close to me no matter what they do i will love them unconditionally.Especially when it comes to battling the disease Addiction.I will always put out my arm and hand to any of my brothers no matter what they have done and i will forgive them and try and help them forgive themselves.I know my difficulty forgiving me has kept me sick and still does from time to time.To my brothers who are struggling with thid disease but have some time under their belt i wanna say im happy and proud of you but please dont forget where you came from and know from my own expierence your only one bad decision away from that pipe,powder,syringe or whatever would bring you down or even worse kill you!!!
Im going to do my best with gods help to make this chapter in my life a productive one and im hoping thru staying busy and getting help with my disease that i can keep my demons at bay but also tap into them for inspiration with my writing and music!!!My evil monkey is in my closet so when i open that door i gotta be careful cause he still likes to run off on occasions!!
Anyway thanks to all my friends and family for putting up with me and to the friends who have bannished me,well ill pray for you!!!I hope and pray for a good year and im gonna work at it and do my part to stay strong and get things done.
Im gonna start back with this blog as well so thanks to all of you who read it and support me on my art and music.Untill next time be kind to those closest to you and always try love and compassion before anger and self centerdness.Trust me though it does take lots of practice!!Take care!!! k.lloyd