So i have been so much in a tailspin of sorts that i have yet to decide what i was going to do as my initial article for Cvlt Nation.
I do know that after some very positive and frequent exchanges of many words and ideas then good folks of this great online Web zine gave me the thumbs up on doing an article and possibly recurring article about Addiction/ Recovery or whatever i would like.They also mentioned and asked if i would be interested in writing about my perspective on the music scene and how its changed and what my views on that and what it was like back in the "Good ole days" of punk rock.I of course didnt want to come out speaking like in was a recovery Guru(which im sure that my credibility would show no one gave a shit or wanted to hear me speaking about a better way of living even though the ones that condemn be for being human are more than likely the ones in desperate need of help but are just to sick and lost to see.I know im capable of becoming lost and see little of the Truth and Reality of many situations when i stop picking up tools of my survival and defense as well as my tools to nurture.For rhe record though after much thought and never really a complete solid feeling of that i was really wanting to even do it,i decided to pick up where i left off with My New Path.Previously a few 24 hrs ago i was writing this on no set deadline or timeline,it was more like a journal and i mostly kept the focus on myself and im sure bitched about a little of this and a little of that but never really tried to point any fingers or act is if i really know anything much more than the next person dealing with this dreadful disease called Addiction.My thoughts of the 4-5 people who wrote me and voiced merely how much my attempting to stay clean and set out on this path of change was helping them just knowing my past dealings with being a very forward an openly blatant hopeless addict that the things i shared and openly wrote about with no concern for the ridicule that i know awaits me or concern for judgement.I have been through so many trials and what i call walking into Hostile Territory not knowing it even was untill met with seemingly irrational and sick people that i know one major thing has been ringing in my head.For a good 14-15 years or more ive been in and out of the 12 step programs and Detox/ Rehab Centers of a few different states and one older guy in Charlotte,NC whom im thinking has passed on would say to me " your gonna think yourself right up outta here kirk."and i would understand what he meant but have little control over it continuing to happen.My biggest realization over these past few weeks has been one of increased awareness and ability to understand what Has happened.I have always heard the term or slogan about how the Disease was cunning,baffling and POWERFUL.Well rest assured my recent as well as initial expierence getting really on board with change and Recovery as best as i can.As i write this me and my common law Wife(Simerly) have just tonight fully realised and ingested that tomorrow we must do what we must do and thats have our amazing and sweet Pitbull Dollar Bill put down.I feel that so much has come my way negative and that i handled much of it rather poorly but My Faith and belief in GOD has grown even stronger.My Faith alone has been tested over and over non stop and i have a good idea what Gods purpose was.I know this though:
"As i walk through the valley of THE SHADOW of Death.I will fear no Evil but i must stay aware and alert of this Evil.This disease that is terminal in this old Junkie, will rob me of my sanity,loved ones and MY LIFE.It is cunning baffling and Very POWERFUL.There is no middle ground and being willing and wanting to do some buzzoven shows is most definitely Hostile Territory and the Devil is among us.I am going to do my best to stay vigilant and work hard on myself so that i can feel more assured that im not diving straight into the flaming pits of Hell itself.I merely want to live and be happy because as i have grown up some so late in life i do realize that life is short and each breath i take in is a gift.A gift of life that this Addict should always be grateful NO MATTER WHAT.To GOD that is.I will walk into the fire if only one could make it out that was previously being burnt to a crisp and was hopeless.Let me testify to this.There is no hopeless.If you are sucking air and breathing you still have a chance.It has been a hard and bumpy road and im amazed still i got through even a fraction of the insanity that goes with active using and drunkeness.My Faith in God and myself is back where its growing and i know this:I will not allow those fucking Demons rob me of my everything.I am going with all intent of good but aware of what each day i will face.Cunning,baffling and POWERFUL.The Devil is tricky and my disease will take my life.Without my my shield and sword i stand no chance and making it stronger is my sole purpose so that life in Peace will bring forth Victory and my disease will feel defeat.For once i wished for Death but know wish for Life.I am fully aware that each day clean is a victory but Faith Without Works is Dead. -Kirk/ k.lloyd/ dirtkicker