Monday, January 23, 2012
I joke and say i have an allergy to hard labor and bullshit work.Its hard to stay positive in the light of many ignorant or cocky bossy dickheads around me.I WANNA MAKE MUSIC!!!I want,i want,i want!!So as i do my best to stay positive despite my want to throw a punch,break out some win dows or just piss someone off for the hell of it im not!Well most of the time im not.Hahaha....Im glad im alive and i try and keep the faith that i will be to a better place down the road and God will give me back what i love so so much and thats music.Anyway im jonesing for a fucking smoke and have a feelings group to terrorize and cry and throw chairs in shortly so Ya'all come back now ya here?
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
So the longer im sober im realizing how trully emotionally disturbed i really am.Its good to know but embracing it and not acting out on it are 2 diffrent things.Its gonna take some time to deal with this but ive started to address it and i have to be patient!Its gonna be a process and i havent even started the new meds they gave me.Anxiety is gripping me so bad that i cant type fast enough.Its a gift to be able to know this but im full of fear of change still.Ive been running on empty for my entire life.Having thoughts you cant control on warp speed coming into your brain is entertaining at times and very disturbing at other times.So im just gonna do my best and do what they tell me but i have to keep talking about it.Its hard though cause i can see peoples looks and im just gonna say fuck it in a positive way.The depression and then manic laughing and crying topped with thoughts of smashing stuff and slapping people fucking overwhelm me often and most of the day.I know im not alone but its gonna take some practice.So here we go on a new found trip through sobriety and learning hoe to act right.I just gotta dance and sing and let it all out as much as i can.If i dont im gonna explode.Look out bro i got a missle and its firing out the side of my neck.Its funny i didnt know fully what others saw long ago.Wonder if this is why i busted bottles over my head and threw shot glasses at windows and would fight the biggest guy anywhere.Ya think?DUHHHHH........oh well is what it is.They think im bipolar with a slight allergy to all things normal!Hahhahaha.....all joking aside who keeps talkking in my head?I see the guy with schizophrenia and talk to him and he understands.Hes on meds though.Im just so wanting to have a new life ive got to be vigilant.Its gonna take a true miracle for me too continue on this path.Im willing though.Just cant keep watching The Fat Albert show.Oh shit its on again.Let nme go dance and scream before my sweaty palms make me slip into rage!!!Gitty up Gitty up!!Im grateful to know that my issues of mental health can be addressed over time.I just gotta do my best for now!!I will do just that.Ya'all come back now ya hear?
Saturday, January 14, 2012
So as i keep on the path so many things are explained to me that i am developing an understanding of and for that im so grateful!Its been a tough road ive been on but i see now ive always been my own worst enemy.The thing is i think ive always known this but on the flip side i thought that if i put my mind to something i want im gonna fuckin get it.With sobriety it takes courage and practice to become adapted to doing pretty much everything without the aid of the drugs or alcohol.It can suck sometimes but ive been able to identify a bottom now and anything is better than living in a self absorbed hell.I was to afraid to end my life b y my own hand but i used drugs to the extent on many occasions with little fear.As i plunged a syringe into my vein on many occasions i questioned "will this be the one?" and didnt give a fuck.That seed planted by the faith of my Mother and the rigors of Catholicism(sp?) gave me a FEAR of God that if i took my own life on purpose i was doomed to hell.The southern Baptist church gave me the Anger towrds God,i thought,to start on my path of self destruction and blatant fuck you to all things "normal."I refused to become what seemed boring and mundane.Im learning more and more that im going to have thoughts that are insane but its how i choose to deal with them.Im beginning to write on a 4th step under the direction of an AA sponser who has something i want.If nothing else its continued sobriety and the ability to become the man im capable of being.Its funny it starts with resentments!ANGER!!Boy do i have plenty of it.I can hide behind the Clown mask i wear or behind the Junkie Pride,as i like to call it but underneath these masks is a whole lot of emotions that im not used to feeling.Under the anger lies hurt and pain i believe.Its a big undertaking that ive embarked upon and im scared but i do believe its a healthy fear.Change scares me but i try and remember where i was and that this may be my last chance.I will fucking Die cause there aint too many "yets"in my story.Some are sicker than others they say.Maybe im proud of being sick who knows but im going to DO THIS with all the courage i can muster and move forward in spite of my leariness i have when my sponser tells me some of the things he tells me.Its an inventory and there are some fucked up skeletons in my closet.Also blatant disregard for my fellow man in the eyes of those who dont really know me.Im asking God to help me remember what i need to remember to be thorough!I have FAITH i can do this and it will be o.k.!See ya on the other side!
Friday, January 6, 2012
So ive been in this intensive program here in Charlotte for a little over 48 hours.There are people who were here when i was here before going through this program who now work here and look and seem completely diffrent.Its cool to see but also forces me to eat a little more humble pie.As with most all things in life i learn stuff through getting knocked down and drug around by mainly myself.I must say that as i struggled back then with confirming i had hit the ever ellusive "bottom" back then i know i hit and lived and became ok with gutter bottom living.Shedding this junky pride that i have is happening slowly.Change is hard but just as i shared with a close friend from my past something is changing inside of me.My old me is dying in many ways.Im scared.I hold back tears as i write this cause im in a computer room with men i dont really know to each side of me.For so long i loaded a syringe with anything and everything that would make me feel better or just took away some pain i was feeling.In the end the only thing that was gonna take that pain away was a bullet or what we dope fiends call a hot shot!No need to go into details i almost instinctively just did.Its enough to maybe kill you but maybe not!Make sense?Anyway as im walking this new path and learning to live all over again and really in some ways for the first time ever my attitude is trully changing.Ive lived and dwelled in my depression,anger and misery for most of my waking days.I believe i was "chronic" from out of the womb.Im so wanting to find out now what lies ahead but i know i must live the journey and also try to stay in the day and the moment.I can say this,all this structure is not allowing much time for me to be in my head so in this short time im feeling very positive.Check with me next week and i dont know...hahahaha....still project to "oh fuck,when i am i gonna get sick of this shit and how am i gonna handle it".Ya know though thats the whole point,i have a choice today and i can either do my best and be responsible or i can say fuck it and run like ive been doing all my life.Problem is there is nowhere to run too cause that dope aint gonna work and im gonna die or finally eat that bullet.I will say today i have no desire to turn from this feeling inside of me that my spirit is reawakining in a way ive never known.I believe we all have the spirit of God inside of us.God can simply be just Good Orderly Direction if your like me and just have been angry at everyone and everything including God.As i travel this path and work with another alcoholic/addict like me im discovering that my Faith in the God of my childhood has really always been there throughout all my insanity and drag through the park.Thompkins Square Park that is.There i go with the dope fiend jokes that only a junkie like me would know.Who knows where i will be a year from now but ive grown in my hope and faith that there is something i cant even fully grasp at this point.Ok couldnt hold back the tears or the chills up and down my spine that time.Oh well.Im ok with it..........Yeah right!!hahahahahahahaha.............OH MY GOD WHY AM I SO CRAZY!!
Monday, January 2, 2012
So just let me say its been nothing short of a roller coaster ride since being on this new path clean & sober!! I woke and wake on many days with Anxiety that has me trembling.It sucks at times and its all i can do to just believe and have faith that it will pass.On the other side im so full of unrestrained energy its like im on speed!Fumbling over stuff,running into stuff and just trying to speak as fast as my mind is going.This i kind of,well no who am i fucking kidding,i love it.A friend of mine i wont name cause of the annonymity factor said well thats your so called pink cloud of early recovery.Im like FUCK!!So as i stick with this thing a day at a time i just can feel my mind and body becoming more and more clear!!Im going to an Intensive halfway house program in less than 48 hrs and im excited to take the next step on this journey but also feeding into fear of the unknown.Ive been a master od self sabotage on many occasions.I will sabotage my own success often.My attitude is much diffrent and i hope to stay humble and do what is asked of me as i do realize i am childlike most definately.Coming to realize im most definately crazier than most!They say some are sicker than others.My problem is i like to identify with that one.Who wants to be a normie?Well i also realize that ive got to become personally responsible and i cant just feed into my negative thinking.Im so glad and grateful to have a new chance at a new life and i trust in God to help me through the dark days cause i know there gonna come as they already have.Im also so happy that ive reconnected with friends of past that are like family and ive already been making new ones that are just as important and i know they genuinely care.I hope and pray i can continue to have willingness to stick with this path as im beginning to develop man titties and laugh so loud and hard that i fall often like im still drunk!Hahahahaha........Trust me im crazier without all the drugs and alcohol and im ok with that.Its fun being crazy and laughing.So im hoping ill have the freedom at this halfway house to continue writing in this and ill just keeping on!Its definately progress not perfection with this dope fiend!I just wanna share a quote out of a book im reading that helped me accept moving on to responsibility and living life on lifes terms."if you've been legally dead ever in your life and come back,youre tough enough to learn how to hang out with a group of starangers."-Bucky Sinister