Friday, January 6, 2012

Halfway to Somewhere House

So ive been in this intensive program here in Charlotte for a little over 48 hours.There are people who were here when i was here before going through this program who now work here and look and seem completely diffrent.Its cool to see but also forces me to eat a little more humble pie.As with most all things in life i learn stuff through getting knocked down and drug around by mainly myself.I must say that as i struggled back then with confirming i had hit the ever ellusive "bottom" back then i know i hit and lived and became ok with gutter bottom living.Shedding this junky pride that i have is happening slowly.Change is hard but just as i shared with a close friend from my past something is changing inside of me.My old me is dying in many ways.Im scared.I hold back tears as i write this cause im in a computer room with men i dont really know to each side of me.For so long i loaded a syringe with anything and everything that would make me feel better or just took away some pain i was feeling.In the end the only thing that was gonna take that pain away was a bullet or what we dope fiends call a hot shot!No need to go into details i almost instinctively just did.Its enough to maybe kill you but maybe not!Make sense?Anyway as im walking this new path and learning to live all over again and really in some ways for the first time ever my attitude is trully changing.Ive lived and dwelled in my depression,anger and misery for most of my waking days.I believe i was "chronic" from out of the womb.Im so wanting to find out now what lies ahead but i know i must live the journey and also try to stay in the day and the moment.I can say this,all this structure is not allowing much time for me to be in my head so in this short time im feeling very positive.Check with me next week and i dont know...hahahaha....still project to "oh fuck,when i am i gonna get sick of this shit and how am i gonna handle it".Ya know though thats the whole point,i have a choice today and i can either do my best and be responsible or i can say fuck it and run like ive been doing all my life.Problem is there is nowhere to run too cause that dope aint gonna work and im gonna die or finally eat that bullet.I will say today i have no desire to turn from this feeling inside of me that my spirit is reawakining in a way ive never known.I believe we all have the spirit of God inside of us.God can simply be just Good Orderly Direction if your like me and just have been angry at everyone and everything including God.As i travel this path and work with another alcoholic/addict like me im discovering that my Faith in the God of my childhood has really always been there throughout all my insanity and drag through the park.Thompkins Square Park that is.There i go with the dope fiend jokes that only a junkie like me would know.Who knows where i will be a year from now but ive grown in my hope and faith that there is something i cant even fully grasp at this point.Ok couldnt hold back the tears or the chills up and down my spine that time.Oh well.Im ok with it..........Yeah right!!hahahahahahahaha.............OH MY GOD WHY AM I SO CRAZY!!