Saturday, January 14, 2012

Clarity:Seeing With New Eyes

So as i keep on the path so many things are explained to me that i am developing an understanding of and for that im so grateful!Its been a tough road ive been on but i see now ive always been my own worst enemy.The thing is i think ive always known this but on the flip side i thought that if i put my mind to something i want im gonna fuckin get it.With sobriety it takes courage and practice to become adapted to doing pretty much everything without the aid of the drugs or alcohol.It can suck sometimes but ive been able to identify a bottom now and anything is better than living in a self absorbed hell.I was to afraid to end my life b y my own hand but i used drugs to the extent on many occasions with little fear.As i plunged a syringe into my vein on many occasions i questioned "will this be the one?" and didnt give a fuck.That seed planted by the faith of my Mother and the rigors of Catholicism(sp?) gave me a FEAR of God that if i took my own life on purpose i was doomed to hell.The southern Baptist church gave me the Anger towrds God,i thought,to start on my path of self destruction and blatant fuck you to all things "normal."I refused to become what seemed boring and mundane.Im learning more and more that im going to have thoughts that are insane but its how i choose to deal with them.Im beginning to write on a 4th step under the direction of an AA sponser who has something i want.If nothing else its continued sobriety and the ability to become the man im capable of being.Its funny it starts with resentments!ANGER!!Boy do i have plenty of it.I can hide behind the Clown mask i wear or behind the Junkie Pride,as i like to call it but underneath these masks is a whole lot of emotions that im not used to feeling.Under the anger lies hurt and pain i believe.Its a big undertaking that ive embarked upon and im scared but i do believe its a healthy fear.Change scares me but i try and remember where i was and that this may be my last chance.I will fucking Die cause there aint too many "yets"in my story.Some are sicker than others they say.Maybe im proud of being sick who knows but im going to DO THIS with all the courage i can muster and move forward in spite of my leariness i have when my sponser tells me some of the things he tells me.Its an inventory and there are some fucked up skeletons in my closet.Also blatant disregard for my fellow man in the eyes of those who dont really know me.Im asking God to help me remember what i need to remember to be thorough!I have FAITH i can do this and it will be o.k.!See ya on the other side!