Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Im Fuckin Crazy!!

So the longer im sober im realizing how trully emotionally disturbed i really am.Its good to know but embracing it and not acting out on it are 2 diffrent things.Its gonna take some time to deal with this but ive started to address it and i have to be patient!Its gonna be a process and i havent even started the new meds they gave me.Anxiety is gripping me so bad that i cant type fast enough.Its a gift to be able to know this but im full of fear of change still.Ive been running on empty for my entire life.Having thoughts you cant control on warp speed coming into your brain is entertaining at times and very disturbing at other times.So im just gonna do my best and do what they tell me but i have to keep talking about it.Its hard though cause i can see peoples looks and im just gonna say fuck it in a positive way.The depression and then manic laughing and crying topped with thoughts of smashing stuff and slapping people fucking overwhelm me often and most of the day.I know im not alone but its gonna take some practice.So here we go on a new found trip through sobriety and learning hoe to act right.I just gotta dance and sing and let it all out as much as i can.If i dont im gonna explode.Look out bro i got a missle and its firing out the side of my neck.Its funny i didnt know fully what others saw long ago.Wonder if this is why i busted bottles over my head and threw shot glasses at windows and would fight the biggest guy anywhere.Ya think?DUHHHHH........oh well is what it is.They think im bipolar with a slight allergy to all things normal!Hahhahaha.....all joking aside who keeps talkking in my head?I see the guy with schizophrenia and talk to him and he understands.Hes on meds though.Im just so wanting to have a new life ive got to be vigilant.Its gonna take a true miracle for me too continue on this path.Im willing though.Just cant keep watching The Fat Albert show.Oh shit its on again.Let nme go dance and scream before my sweaty palms make me slip into rage!!!Gitty up Gitty up!!Im grateful to know that my issues of mental health can be addressed over time.I just gotta do my best for now!!I will do just that.Ya'all come back now ya hear?