Friday, January 30, 2009

When Will I.............?

Back and forth as the circle of our individual miserys and dissapointments swirl we lash our tongues at all hours of all days in all ways that are to us not unknown.Raised in an environment of shit and hate its easy to lie here comfortable wallowing in mine and your self hate!Attempts to medicate the shame away only work for a second in a seemingly endless day!The irresponsibility in your unnurturing ways ring so loudly in a dissapointing offspring that is wasting away.But who am i to throw a stone? i cant even motivate and execute a simple plan to wake up and make my way to shake the pain of just getting through the day.WHAT??What did you say??You mumble as you degrade me in your special way!OH okay i can reciprocate and play that game.Its in the misery of others that i can fill up my day!What a joke when i call this change!Daydreaming and good intentions wont wash that misery away.Let me pop this pill and see if it will help in even a small way.Those fucking doctors just cant get my treatments arranged in just the right way.If they and the others would see it my way,then maybe just maybe id be happy for maybe one second of one day!!But it doesnt really matter.No matter what happens i need a little misery cause its where i feel sane.If i couldnt feel the anger id have no one to blame.I swear i want to find a better,peaceful way.But all i really know is your misery and my pain!!

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Loss,Pain and speaking before thinking!

I am finding that so many times in life that it doesnt matter what your intentions or desires are because when you are plagued with a soul that wants and needs you still better learn to not always speak with true honest emotion and feeling because most people either dont wanna hear it or cant handle hearing it especially if its pointing out charecter flaws,defects or just the general callingof people on their bullshit.Its also hard to find friends who have the balls or true concern to bother calling me on my shit.Its just easier to look the other way or just stay away.Even if its family.Its kind of funny cause im one who tries to be confident and let the ones i love know if im hurting or if im feeling abandoned or if one of these people are full of shit but you know in most of the cases its me who needs to be getting put in line.

Ive always been a person who doesnt take rejection or criticism well but most always im glad that a friend tells me when im being unreasonable or manic.

Its important in any conversation or in correspondence with someone via e-mail,or any written letters to give yourself time to process whats been said to you.I recently lost a longtime friend by not doing this and reacting entirely out of anger and hurt.And once its said or written and sent you can never take them back no matter what was fueling your reaction.

The regret of an action of this nature can run deep and be very painful and also destroy relationships.

my mind is good about decieving me!!I go into many things with a hope of an outcome that benefits me and my friends and loved ones.Intend to keep focused on my part and my attitude and i still lose control and get consumed with some kind of negative emotion and instead of calming down and regaining the positive stable approach i just start swinging and lashing out and saying anything to cause hurt because that is what i feel.

NO matter your intentions it is hard to change!!!!

This is not what this blog page will have on it most of the time but you know my heart is really sore and im very sad and dissapointed in myself ONCE AGAIN!!I must say this i by no means mean to sound like im preaching but those people in your life that you consider to be close and family that u might not like all the time but love dearly,no matter what they say,dont or dont do always take the time to respond or talk to them with love and compassion.Even if their giving you nothing but a cold shoulder or treating you poorly be careful about what you say because you dont want to hurt these people!Especially immediate family who in many cases are the only ones that are gonna be by your side in your final days.

I do believe that their is no amount of money or fame or pleasure that can compare to the richness of having true friends!!I do know that to have friends you must first also be a friend! this is where i have most always fallen short!!Relationships can be hard but i do know that in most cases with the people i consider to be my close friends i will never give them the cold shoulder completely.If nothing else i will listen and tell them I love them no matter what!You never know when you could be in their same situation and you have to treat people the way you would want them to treat you!!

On most days i feel like digging a hole and isolating there forever because all relationships are hard!My understanding of myself and the fact that i have so many unhealthy ways of thought and response make me want to begin a process of not reacting out of anger and resentment all the time.I have been this way for so long and im trying to better understand and change into the man that could be a better friend and son etc.....But on most days it seems like im just still digging that hole!!!

Thursday, January 22, 2009

Introduction Part11......

Well once again im starting on a project that has been ongoing since probably as early as 1998!!Around the same time i started playing acoustic and writing tunes on acoustic in rehab and a few other institutions,i made up my mind that id like to write a memoir of sorts to channel some of my feelings,thoughts and emotion through a diffrent avenue than music.As with many of the songs written over these past 10-12 years,many of my writings and journals are long gone.
I was led to this site through keeping up with a long time friend and kindred spirits music and art.I realized that this would be the best place for me to introduce some of these writings as well as current works.Im not a writer and dont claim to be but i feel this is a great place to start this and give others an oppurtunity to view it and love or hate it!I became quickly overwhelmed with the prospect of completing works to fill an entire book so maybe piece by piece one day i can reach that goal.

I plan to write and include many things:journal excerpts past and present,stories from touring with Buzzoven,war stories,whatever im inspired to share!

The title of the blog was what i had origannally planned to call the memoir and is actually a lyric from a song by Steve Von Till.I feel no other title is more appropriate.

As i dig through old storage boxes i plan to put old journal entries from my life when i was totally controlled by my disease!I just want it understood that none of this is an endorsement of that life or a suggestion that their was any reward to the inner hell,loss and pain that addiction brings!Trust me when i say if you live those are your rewards!My intention is neither to glorify my years of abuse nor to judge it.Its simply to give anyone thats interested a little insight into my struggles,triumphs and life dedicated wholeheartadly to music but overtaken by Addiction!

So anyway i hope that anyone that takes a look finds something they relate to or just enjoy!If not i know that this will help me as i continue to find my way back a day at a time......
Take care,kirk lloyd