Sunday, January 25, 2009

Loss,Pain and speaking before thinking!

I am finding that so many times in life that it doesnt matter what your intentions or desires are because when you are plagued with a soul that wants and needs you still better learn to not always speak with true honest emotion and feeling because most people either dont wanna hear it or cant handle hearing it especially if its pointing out charecter flaws,defects or just the general callingof people on their bullshit.Its also hard to find friends who have the balls or true concern to bother calling me on my shit.Its just easier to look the other way or just stay away.Even if its family.Its kind of funny cause im one who tries to be confident and let the ones i love know if im hurting or if im feeling abandoned or if one of these people are full of shit but you know in most of the cases its me who needs to be getting put in line.

Ive always been a person who doesnt take rejection or criticism well but most always im glad that a friend tells me when im being unreasonable or manic.

Its important in any conversation or in correspondence with someone via e-mail,or any written letters to give yourself time to process whats been said to you.I recently lost a longtime friend by not doing this and reacting entirely out of anger and hurt.And once its said or written and sent you can never take them back no matter what was fueling your reaction.

The regret of an action of this nature can run deep and be very painful and also destroy relationships.

my mind is good about decieving me!!I go into many things with a hope of an outcome that benefits me and my friends and loved ones.Intend to keep focused on my part and my attitude and i still lose control and get consumed with some kind of negative emotion and instead of calming down and regaining the positive stable approach i just start swinging and lashing out and saying anything to cause hurt because that is what i feel.

NO matter your intentions it is hard to change!!!!

This is not what this blog page will have on it most of the time but you know my heart is really sore and im very sad and dissapointed in myself ONCE AGAIN!!I must say this i by no means mean to sound like im preaching but those people in your life that you consider to be close and family that u might not like all the time but love dearly,no matter what they say,dont or dont do always take the time to respond or talk to them with love and compassion.Even if their giving you nothing but a cold shoulder or treating you poorly be careful about what you say because you dont want to hurt these people!Especially immediate family who in many cases are the only ones that are gonna be by your side in your final days.

I do believe that their is no amount of money or fame or pleasure that can compare to the richness of having true friends!!I do know that to have friends you must first also be a friend! this is where i have most always fallen short!!Relationships can be hard but i do know that in most cases with the people i consider to be my close friends i will never give them the cold shoulder completely.If nothing else i will listen and tell them I love them no matter what!You never know when you could be in their same situation and you have to treat people the way you would want them to treat you!!

On most days i feel like digging a hole and isolating there forever because all relationships are hard!My understanding of myself and the fact that i have so many unhealthy ways of thought and response make me want to begin a process of not reacting out of anger and resentment all the time.I have been this way for so long and im trying to better understand and change into the man that could be a better friend and son etc.....But on most days it seems like im just still digging that hole!!!