Who the fuck allowed this to happen??

As i delve into this day that is my 40 th b-day all i can do is reflect and although ive been a very negative space and thinking of how much i havent accomplished and that i dont have shit to show for 40 years on this earth but i also realize that thinking this way is no good!!!Im grabbing for positive but my mind and heart continue to stab and tell me that yes kirk you are a loser and your a junkie thats never gonna fuckin change.I never ever thought i would live this long out of all honesty but im here whether i like it or not.I know im grateful to god and my brothers in The almighty riff kept on me to keep at least playin my k.lloyd stuff.My girlfriend Jennifer and her son Cameron bring alot of love into my life and im super grateful and glad to have them in my life.Its just so hard to see and figure out where all the years have gone and how ive managed to get by and also stay alive!!I will post a full account of the full days emotions and going ons later tonite.God help me make it thru this day and make me do whatever im intended to do!!!Thanx,kirklloyd