Tuesday, February 3, 2009


Well here i lie once again wondering why people make choices that i find totally uncaring and pretty much just shitty all the way around.I know my perception of things is almost always distorted in some disturbing way.My emotions ALWAYS get the better of me!I begin to understand most situations(or at least i think i do)days or even months or years after the incident.Ive always kinda prided myself on being a person thaT Speaks from the heart and say what i think and fuck whoever doesnt like it or doesnt want to hear it.Ive realized with age that this can be a great thing but you still have to be selective and tactful especially if this has to do with people you want to remain friends with or family you dont want to totally write you off!
Back in my days of heavy drinking i spoke my mind so much that i almost always ended up with black eyes or friends pissed at me.Sometimes even in jail.When your drunk as hell.blacked out and in jail the response to speaking your mind comes in a unique form-MACE!!Damn that stuff burns.My ignorance came thru loud and clear when i was blacked out!I was always amazed at what just a little bit of spit could do back then.I still have never figured out why when i was blacked out drunk that i insisted on doing everything i could to get someone to beat my ass!Believe me ive had my fair share of ass whoopings and probably would have gotten many more if it werent for my brothers(bandmates,friends) sneaking me out back doors around corners or just repeatedly appologizing and affirming i was drunk asshole that didnt know any better.
I do believe though that it all boils down to emotions getting the best of me.Im a pro at self sabotage and i say this not with one ounce of pride.It sucks cause even when im attempting to make good decisions this monster sneaks in and moments later im kicking myself in the head.
I recently was wrote off by a longtime friend who initially just tried to say hey i can only love you from a distance and instead of respecting his wishes i immediately let my HURT get the best of me and said a bunch of things that i didnt even mean.I know ive been bringing this up often in these writings but its because as i get older im realizing that i want to love people and people to love me.I dont give a fuck if all this sounds sappy and cheezy cause the whole bad-ass "dont fuck with me" attitude has never gotten me anything but more loss and pain.Thats right im being humble because when you have your ass drug through the mud and your head beat in over and over again and then you realize the only person whos hurting you is YOU,you get humble.Months of sleeping under plywood standing on a street corner with a sign begging for money or food can also have a humbling effect if you dont decide that its not so bad and stay in that life!
This is not a pity seeking mission either nor is it a look how hardcore my life was and i got more junkie credibility than you its a fucking damn reminder to myself to stay HUMBLE!!I should have respected thats person wishes but instead i acted like alittle bitch who was being betrayed and pushed away for no reason!If someone you love says" hey i cant deal with being a friend to you right now"the way i can show unconditional love is to respect their wishes.If their really a true friend and your life is in at least some order time will reunite you when its right.This world and no one in it owes me shit.I want to always remember that friendship is a gift.One that you have to earn to trully recieve.
Their are a few people i know that i have the same attitude towards.I love em and i care about them but i know if i try to help them to much its only gonna pull me down.I know it sounds selfish but turning your back on someone in some cases may be the best thing you ever did for them.
My mind and perception are always playin tricks and i try to remember that but honestly emotion still gets the best of me everytime.Tough love sucks!I really dont like it but i also know for a fact that it has saved many peoples lives.Id like to think that my life has changed so much that no one i know feels the need to be "at a distance"but even though im not slammin dope in my veins and im not head deep in active addiction,my life is still a mess and so am i!I really dont know if ill ever function like the rest of the so called 'NORMAL" world but i do know that i wanna remain humble and be grateful for all the friends and family i do still have.That fucking wet plywood bed in the weeds is just a step away.I hope and pray my insanity doesnt drive me to the point where i accept that way of life cause it aint life!Like they say though "NEVER SAY NEVER"!