Losing All

I can't help but think of my days of past, alone and miserable with a crack pipe and dull syringe lying next to me on the night stand. I suppose I put too much of myself and I'm too honest much of the time. I love to play music and writing is also a newer love of mine. I write this very sentence though with tears in my eyes and a debating thought of whether to admit myself into a psychic observation setting. I will say this though, because of the words and replies of so many ignorant fucking morons I am choosing to keep my own struggles just that. MY OWN! Not that it bothers me that much but why bother going the extra mile if only to be berated with so much judgement. There has been a handful of people who message me and express their gratitude for my willingness to be up front and vocal about my own daily struggles with addiction and Dual Diagnosis. I find when people attack me honing in especially on the word God or the aspect of a higher power, it merely shows their own closed mind and inability to let someone choose their own path or their own belief system which is the only thing I push. Regardless of why people say what they say I am finding such an annoyance with even taking the time to read it and give it my precious time that I am going to take the time to reduce this blog to only go to direct subscribers. I know I need to fix the grammatical error in the title and this I plan to do.

 On a more serious note I have decided that maybe a break from this and social media in general would be good while I deal with my mental condition. I have never in my adult life ever found a true sense of balance and I'm starting to have enough insight to know when I'm heading into a mindset that I cannot trust myself. If you have never lost everything you hold dear to your heart or attempted to take your own life then you probably have no clue what I'm talking about. Regardless to those I know and love and anyone with any faith at all, your prayers would be appreciated. Until I return I wish you all peace and happiness!

Disciples Of Chaos

As I move through and into another day I decided to give you all a sneek peek at some artwork in its development to piece together one of my upcoming covers for a record. The extra special thing about this title and piece of a bigger whole is my dream for living a new life in the outline I am learning in Recovery. I want to help others .Seeng shows like Pitbulls and Parolees as well as having new life experiences due to having a wonderful girlfriend, have given me hope I can do something more for someone than just a small gesture of kindness.Not trying to bore you with all the details but after learning so much about my own emotional condition in regards to loss and love I have joined the ranks of many who know how special Pittbulls are. I am working on a book that tells the story of how I learned to let go without anger when I dealt with losing Dollar Bill who was the blue Pitt who belonged to my significant other Simerly Cook. Dollar provided friendship and taught me how misunderstood creatures other than myself can be. Working with his daughter Penny has been so rewarding and has brought a happiness and reward I personally had never experienced. Disciples Of Chaos will eventually be a non profit organization to help Pitbulls and also help professional musicians get into treatment for Drug and Alcohol abuse.Although I feel that it would play out better to wait for the entire organization and ideas to be more substantial I also know and feel time is delicate and waiting is not in my vocabulary. We are planning to release a t- shirt with this heart with wings and an outlaw biker style patch logo to begin our task of raising money to start helping the Pitbulls ASAP. I plan to rescue one just as soon as Simerly and I move into our own place. All monies raised are going to be put into a website and any efforts we can find to help this highly misunderstood breed of Dogs. Please stay tuned and watch for the release of this shirt which will have ALL of its profits going into the development of the Non a Profit of the same name. I am excited to have this dream. Disciples Of Chaos will be built around the helping of Pitbulls and other Addicts in music whom want a different life. Of course Music, fashion, and the alternative culture will be ever present. I'm hoping that in time we can make a difference in some peoples lived and bring about understanding of the amazing Pitbulls whom are such awesome dogs I just can't express it all in words. I want to thank Brian Annan who started on this artwork without us ever even meeting or talking. This is also a story to be told at a later date. Hopefully we will have the shirts done sooner than later due to our friends over at holy Mountain printing. We will make you all aware of the shirts as soon as they are done. Thanks again Kirk Lloyd

The Synanon Church: Extreme?

 So with my recent research of early Christianity and Religious Cults I stumbled upon The Synanon. Sounds like a Detox Unit in many city's.Its a very fascinating thing to me that these extreme beliefs of a group have been somewhat adopted by some of the more successful treatment programs of today. That being said I plan to do more extensive research into this so called cult/religion that adopted AA as a way of life but seemingly took it a step further. I find little about extreme living and beliefs shocking. As for this Synanon I am even more intrigued because of my own experience with AA, drug addiction and treatments of various types. I have never been a fan of "cold turkey" type detoxing but I understand it's effectiveness after my own detox in a county jail cell off of Methadone. I will share more here as I find it out.As I said I look forward to discovering more about Charles Dederich and The Synanon Church. Stay tuned for more.

Missing Out

 So after making the decision to not go out to see The Sword and Big Business I keep feeling that I'm a little too cautious at times.I was not feeling well by the time the hour to travel down to the Tremont came.The only reason I even find a need to discuss this matter or write about it I believe is that I owe others some sort of explanation for not being there.Its hard enough to deal with my own personal bashing then tack on some good old fashioned gossip and Judgementalism. I say I could give a fuck what others think of my no show at an event I was on a list semi scheduled to attend. I do know this, I'm grateful for my understanding Girlfriend whom never took it personal or got selfishly mad we weren't going and a couple true friends just reached out in whole hearted concern and let me know they were checking up on me.I know I'm not really that important and I know my mind creates much of its own "Dilemma."So for today I will chalk this one up to a good learning experience. In my heart I know I made the best choice in regards to completing that 24 hrs clean & sober. Now onward with today. God Help Me!!!

trudging Through vile ThINkiNg!

   So as I keep making mistakes some days I remain abstinent from drugs and alcohol to just have a fighting chance at Recovery long term.They say Keep It Simple.Hahaha....easier to say than do.It takes practice and questions at an almost constant and then for me Trust and Faith in My God has to come in almost immediately but I know this as well,Honesty is #1.If I'm not feeling it or I'm disrupted I have to be honest.I so much of the time end up having to make amends for this behavior and it sucks doing so especially if I THINK I'm right and someone else wrong.Im a Junkie that lives with his Mommy.Almost 45 and although guilt and shame do know good it's the reality of where I put myself.My sponsor in A.A. Seems pissed off a good bit of the time but I keep it in the forefront that he has had to put up with me as a sponsee for going on 3 years.I relapsed in that time frame but I'm more vigilant now.No desire to escape,drink,shoot dope or shoot out windows so I would say something is working.God lead the way.PLEASE HELP ME STAY OUT OF THE WAY.No laughter on this sentence cause when Misery and Pain are all you end up living its High Time to stop digging up more holes.Well unless someone's shooting out windows near my Moms Condo.Hahahahaha.........I couldn't resist.Bless it!

Dissolving In Wreckage

So it seems the piper has come to collect.Hiring a shitty attorney is my first mistake.Resistance of my responsibility is not my flake.Its and intern condition on a psychaotic condition.Spit on the hand,bite the mental curdle that wrips into the divine.What is the angle? Why am i so late/.? RECRUIT. ReCtiFy + y WhY y. Its a by product of a disease i suffer from.Its called Alcoholism and Addiction.There is no EASY WAY to go about so much of lifes trials and especially getting back in the game of life.Life is Life and SHIT HAPPENS. The key for me is to carry myself through situations that i used to be blacked out or nodded off during without creating anymore piles of dirtkicker piles.I am no preacher and i am far from having a real clue about applying these tools of REcovery to anything besides my wants. God has had me all along and fear of the unknown and trying new things has always scared me more than a syringe full of dope but slowly im beginning too see that i can live life one day at a time and i dont even want to run or escape.Happy Birthday to my buzzoven brother Randy Felton and dont forget that February is Jeff Clayton month.