Mood Swing Mayhem

  So since having a complete nervous breakdown that landed me in the psyche ward not once but 2 times in December of 2013. I feel like im starting to feel a twinkling of balance and feel like maybe now i can put some sense of order into my future days.There is an abundance of ideas i have for doing various projects but honestly i have a very difficult time finding where or how to start some of these.Whether it be due to finances,schedules of other bandmates,physical or mental limitations i just wish that things came as easy as it seems for so many others and i could actually get some of this stuff done or at least having them as "works in progress." Im so envious of some of some of my peers because it seems after making their start around the same time as me ,or in some cases WITH me. When i met someone whom i felt a common bond with and really liked i did what i could do to help them,or should i say spread their exposure. My years of touring in buzzoven,especially the earlier ones,brought me into contact with many people.EyeHateGod was one whom had not been out of their hometown(NOLA) much at all. After witnessing their intensely awesome bluesy hardcore sound i was convinced the world needed to hear this band.It was not a situation of asking bands to come open for buzzoven like we were the BIG headlining act, It was more of an attempt of uniting two bands whom had a common bond and respect for each other and enjoyed hanging out together through the antics of life on tour. Needless to say EHG has become a force to be reckoned with and although both buzzoven and EHG had their similar elements ,we both were the pioneers of a new heavy "Sludge" sound.I think its amazing that they are getting such a great response to their long anticipated new s/t album.
    On the flipside of this subject im speaking of is the friends who stepped away from selling their soul to music and living and breathing their bands more than full time obligations.The guy who now owns his own business and has married a beautiful woman and has a kid or two. Or maybe that person that has to just stay away from the whole environment to hold on to his sanity or even sobriety.I can think of one individual whom literally hung his guitar up and changed into a golf shirt and khakis literally overnight and never looked back. So many people have made different choices for just as many different reasons.
    I know for myself that i have a hard time separating the will to self destruct from the heart,soul and rage i put into writing and performing 2-ens music.Trust me in the light of the overwhelmingly great responses our early 90's peers such as Sleep,EYEHATEGOD and even a rumored return of Acid Bath are getting the time is never more than right.But is it right for me?Obviously it was earlier this year when i was forced to cancel our Roadburn appearance due to Mental Health Illness.I was dissapointed as i know many of you were as well.
    I feel like im just weak,hopeless and lost without playing music but "HOW" do i remain sane and sober in that hostile environment? 

    On the Flipside ,I have been tracking new songs for my 3rd full length release under my k.lloyd persona.Slated to be released on Rusty Knuckles Music as soon as I get it completed.Im excited about this because my 2 previous CDs have been shadowed with little promotion and not even appropriate release.Im thinking of putting together a heavier lineup to take k.lloyd beyond the acoustic mellow tone to full fledged heavy distortion.Only time will tell.

     Regardless I am still here.Im stilll playing and writing music.I have Faith what full path I am to take with live performances as well as completing some other endeavors I have had on the back burner will present itself in due time.                                   
  

Losing All

I can't help but think of my days of past, alone and miserable with a crack pipe and dull syringe lying next to me on the night stand. I suppose I put too much of myself and I'm too honest much of the time. I love to play music and writing is also a newer love of mine. I write this very sentence though with tears in my eyes and a debating thought of whether to admit myself into a psychic observation setting. I will say this though, because of the words and replies of so many ignorant fucking morons I am choosing to keep my own struggles just that. MY OWN! Not that it bothers me that much but why bother going the extra mile if only to be berated with so much judgement. There has been a handful of people who message me and express their gratitude for my willingness to be up front and vocal about my own daily struggles with addiction and Dual Diagnosis. I find when people attack me honing in especially on the word God or the aspect of a higher power, it merely shows their own closed mind and inability to let someone choose their own path or their own belief system which is the only thing I push. Regardless of why people say what they say I am finding such an annoyance with even taking the time to read it and give it my precious time that I am going to take the time to reduce this blog to only go to direct subscribers. I know I need to fix the grammatical error in the title and this I plan to do.

 On a more serious note I have decided that maybe a break from this and social media in general would be good while I deal with my mental condition. I have never in my adult life ever found a true sense of balance and I'm starting to have enough insight to know when I'm heading into a mindset that I cannot trust myself. If you have never lost everything you hold dear to your heart or attempted to take your own life then you probably have no clue what I'm talking about. Regardless to those I know and love and anyone with any faith at all, your prayers would be appreciated. Until I return I wish you all peace and happiness!

Disciples Of Chaos

As I move through and into another day I decided to give you all a sneek peek at some artwork in its development to piece together one of my upcoming covers for a record. The extra special thing about this title and piece of a bigger whole is my dream for living a new life in the outline I am learning in Recovery. I want to help others .Seeng shows like Pitbulls and Parolees as well as having new life experiences due to having a wonderful girlfriend, have given me hope I can do something more for someone than just a small gesture of kindness.Not trying to bore you with all the details but after learning so much about my own emotional condition in regards to loss and love I have joined the ranks of many who know how special Pittbulls are. I am working on a book that tells the story of how I learned to let go without anger when I dealt with losing Dollar Bill who was the blue Pitt who belonged to my significant other Simerly Cook. Dollar provided friendship and taught me how misunderstood creatures other than myself can be. Working with his daughter Penny has been so rewarding and has brought a happiness and reward I personally had never experienced. Disciples Of Chaos will eventually be a non profit organization to help Pitbulls and also help professional musicians get into treatment for Drug and Alcohol abuse.Although I feel that it would play out better to wait for the entire organization and ideas to be more substantial I also know and feel time is delicate and waiting is not in my vocabulary. We are planning to release a t- shirt with this heart with wings and an outlaw biker style patch logo to begin our task of raising money to start helping the Pitbulls ASAP. I plan to rescue one just as soon as Simerly and I move into our own place. All monies raised are going to be put into a website and any efforts we can find to help this highly misunderstood breed of Dogs. Please stay tuned and watch for the release of this shirt which will have ALL of its profits going into the development of the Non a Profit of the same name. I am excited to have this dream. Disciples Of Chaos will be built around the helping of Pitbulls and other Addicts in music whom want a different life. Of course Music, fashion, and the alternative culture will be ever present. I'm hoping that in time we can make a difference in some peoples lived and bring about understanding of the amazing Pitbulls whom are such awesome dogs I just can't express it all in words. I want to thank Brian Annan who started on this artwork without us ever even meeting or talking. This is also a story to be told at a later date. Hopefully we will have the shirts done sooner than later due to our friends over at holy Mountain printing. We will make you all aware of the shirts as soon as they are done. Thanks again Kirk Lloyd

Missing Out

 So after making the decision to not go out to see The Sword and Big Business I keep feeling that I'm a little too cautious at times.I was not feeling well by the time the hour to travel down to the Tremont came.The only reason I even find a need to discuss this matter or write about it I believe is that I owe others some sort of explanation for not being there.Its hard enough to deal with my own personal bashing then tack on some good old fashioned gossip and Judgementalism. I say I could give a fuck what others think of my no show at an event I was on a list semi scheduled to attend. I do know this, I'm grateful for my understanding Girlfriend whom never took it personal or got selfishly mad we weren't going and a couple true friends just reached out in whole hearted concern and let me know they were checking up on me.I know I'm not really that important and I know my mind creates much of its own "Dilemma."So for today I will chalk this one up to a good learning experience. In my heart I know I made the best choice in regards to completing that 24 hrs clean & sober. Now onward with today. God Help Me!!!

Morning Meditations/ Prayer

I know that both meditation and prayer are touchy subjects for most everyone.Especially in the music scene I'm somewhat known in I think most people are very intolerant to either of these.I know for years I almost hated the idea of either one. I was an extreme case of a person who had built his existence and mission of artistic vision on a huge resentment towards God himself.As suprising as it may seem though I have always believed in God. I believe now I had a warped sense or understanding of God though. Being raised Catholic with a dash of Southern Baptist had created a sense of hatred,anger and fear.Im not sure what or which incident surrounding Catholicism had set me on my complete denial of being a Catholic but I knew exactly what those Baptist Ministers had done and I still have anger for those men no matter how good their intentions to "save my soul."

   I built much of buzzoven on this anger and hatred for organized religion. Although not as angry today, I have found little use for organized religion. In Recovery I have searched though. Searching for answers that don't really exist have brought me to the conclusion that I can be a Man of God and society can still keep its religions.I do believe in morals and trying to live by a good example and walking in a manner to set a good example. This is no easy task. I especially find difficulty because simply I have come to enjoy Chaos.I have had people tell me I'm addicted to Chaos.Maybe this is fact but I know as I've grown older I'm becoming more content with simpler things. For me to I have found it absolutely crucial to Pray. There is freedom in prayer.After living in a self made prison for most of my life,a small taste of Freedom is nice. Try it!!

Melting Snow

So as we watch the snow slowly drift away I get a feeling of cleansing as it melts and washes clean water all down the streets. Wash Away. What's away my sins. So as we look to the weeks further one must ask is this enough water to cleanse scum from the street? I have been working diligently on my upcoming book. It has been rather difficult to look back into past journals. But I also find it cleansing in a sense. Rereading some of my past endeavors as well as failures seem to remind me how far I have come. Yet still so very far to go. All I know is that things have somewhat improved. I plan to continue along on my new journey. My new pass takes me to places that are completely unknown to me because most of my previous visits I was altered state of mind. Anyway break time is over. Got to get back to rehearsing k.lloyd tunes as well as a few new buzzoven songs. Will be playing opening for Roger Alan Wade if all goes as planned at the Maywood February 28 in Raleigh North Carolina. This is not confirmed yet so I probably shouldn't be saying anything. Regardless I plan to be at the show. Hopefully I will see some of you there.