Mood Swing Mayhem

  So since having a complete nervous breakdown that landed me in the psyche ward not once but 2 times in December of 2013. I feel like im starting to feel a twinkling of balance and feel like maybe now i can put some sense of order into my future days.There is an abundance of ideas i have for doing various projects but honestly i have a very difficult time finding where or how to start some of these.Whether it be due to finances,schedules of other bandmates,physical or mental limitations i just wish that things came as easy as it seems for so many others and i could actually get some of this stuff done or at least having them as "works in progress." Im so envious of some of some of my peers because it seems after making their start around the same time as me ,or in some cases WITH me. When i met someone whom i felt a common bond with and really liked i did what i could do to help them,or should i say spread their exposure. My years of touring in buzzoven,especially the earlier ones,brought me into contact with many people.EyeHateGod was one whom had not been out of their hometown(NOLA) much at all. After witnessing their intensely awesome bluesy hardcore sound i was convinced the world needed to hear this band.It was not a situation of asking bands to come open for buzzoven like we were the BIG headlining act, It was more of an attempt of uniting two bands whom had a common bond and respect for each other and enjoyed hanging out together through the antics of life on tour. Needless to say EHG has become a force to be reckoned with and although both buzzoven and EHG had their similar elements ,we both were the pioneers of a new heavy "Sludge" sound.I think its amazing that they are getting such a great response to their long anticipated new s/t album.
    On the flipside of this subject im speaking of is the friends who stepped away from selling their soul to music and living and breathing their bands more than full time obligations.The guy who now owns his own business and has married a beautiful woman and has a kid or two. Or maybe that person that has to just stay away from the whole environment to hold on to his sanity or even sobriety.I can think of one individual whom literally hung his guitar up and changed into a golf shirt and khakis literally overnight and never looked back. So many people have made different choices for just as many different reasons.
    I know for myself that i have a hard time separating the will to self destruct from the heart,soul and rage i put into writing and performing 2-ens music.Trust me in the light of the overwhelmingly great responses our early 90's peers such as Sleep,EYEHATEGOD and even a rumored return of Acid Bath are getting the time is never more than right.But is it right for me?Obviously it was earlier this year when i was forced to cancel our Roadburn appearance due to Mental Health Illness.I was dissapointed as i know many of you were as well.
    I feel like im just weak,hopeless and lost without playing music but "HOW" do i remain sane and sober in that hostile environment? 

    On the Flipside ,I have been tracking new songs for my 3rd full length release under my k.lloyd persona.Slated to be released on Rusty Knuckles Music as soon as I get it completed.Im excited about this because my 2 previous CDs have been shadowed with little promotion and not even appropriate release.Im thinking of putting together a heavier lineup to take k.lloyd beyond the acoustic mellow tone to full fledged heavy distortion.Only time will tell.

     Regardless I am still here.Im stilll playing and writing music.I have Faith what full path I am to take with live performances as well as completing some other endeavors I have had on the back burner will present itself in due time.                                   
  

Losing All

I can't help but think of my days of past, alone and miserable with a crack pipe and dull syringe lying next to me on the night stand. I suppose I put too much of myself and I'm too honest much of the time. I love to play music and writing is also a newer love of mine. I write this very sentence though with tears in my eyes and a debating thought of whether to admit myself into a psychic observation setting. I will say this though, because of the words and replies of so many ignorant fucking morons I am choosing to keep my own struggles just that. MY OWN! Not that it bothers me that much but why bother going the extra mile if only to be berated with so much judgement. There has been a handful of people who message me and express their gratitude for my willingness to be up front and vocal about my own daily struggles with addiction and Dual Diagnosis. I find when people attack me honing in especially on the word God or the aspect of a higher power, it merely shows their own closed mind and inability to let someone choose their own path or their own belief system which is the only thing I push. Regardless of why people say what they say I am finding such an annoyance with even taking the time to read it and give it my precious time that I am going to take the time to reduce this blog to only go to direct subscribers. I know I need to fix the grammatical error in the title and this I plan to do.

 On a more serious note I have decided that maybe a break from this and social media in general would be good while I deal with my mental condition. I have never in my adult life ever found a true sense of balance and I'm starting to have enough insight to know when I'm heading into a mindset that I cannot trust myself. If you have never lost everything you hold dear to your heart or attempted to take your own life then you probably have no clue what I'm talking about. Regardless to those I know and love and anyone with any faith at all, your prayers would be appreciated. Until I return I wish you all peace and happiness!

Disciples Of Chaos

As I move through and into another day I decided to give you all a sneek peek at some artwork in its development to piece together one of my upcoming covers for a record. The extra special thing about this title and piece of a bigger whole is my dream for living a new life in the outline I am learning in Recovery. I want to help others .Seeng shows like Pitbulls and Parolees as well as having new life experiences due to having a wonderful girlfriend, have given me hope I can do something more for someone than just a small gesture of kindness.Not trying to bore you with all the details but after learning so much about my own emotional condition in regards to loss and love I have joined the ranks of many who know how special Pittbulls are. I am working on a book that tells the story of how I learned to let go without anger when I dealt with losing Dollar Bill who was the blue Pitt who belonged to my significant other Simerly Cook. Dollar provided friendship and taught me how misunderstood creatures other than myself can be. Working with his daughter Penny has been so rewarding and has brought a happiness and reward I personally had never experienced. Disciples Of Chaos will eventually be a non profit organization to help Pitbulls and also help professional musicians get into treatment for Drug and Alcohol abuse.Although I feel that it would play out better to wait for the entire organization and ideas to be more substantial I also know and feel time is delicate and waiting is not in my vocabulary. We are planning to release a t- shirt with this heart with wings and an outlaw biker style patch logo to begin our task of raising money to start helping the Pitbulls ASAP. I plan to rescue one just as soon as Simerly and I move into our own place. All monies raised are going to be put into a website and any efforts we can find to help this highly misunderstood breed of Dogs. Please stay tuned and watch for the release of this shirt which will have ALL of its profits going into the development of the Non a Profit of the same name. I am excited to have this dream. Disciples Of Chaos will be built around the helping of Pitbulls and other Addicts in music whom want a different life. Of course Music, fashion, and the alternative culture will be ever present. I'm hoping that in time we can make a difference in some peoples lived and bring about understanding of the amazing Pitbulls whom are such awesome dogs I just can't express it all in words. I want to thank Brian Annan who started on this artwork without us ever even meeting or talking. This is also a story to be told at a later date. Hopefully we will have the shirts done sooner than later due to our friends over at holy Mountain printing. We will make you all aware of the shirts as soon as they are done. Thanks again Kirk Lloyd

Missing Out

 So after making the decision to not go out to see The Sword and Big Business I keep feeling that I'm a little too cautious at times.I was not feeling well by the time the hour to travel down to the Tremont came.The only reason I even find a need to discuss this matter or write about it I believe is that I owe others some sort of explanation for not being there.Its hard enough to deal with my own personal bashing then tack on some good old fashioned gossip and Judgementalism. I say I could give a fuck what others think of my no show at an event I was on a list semi scheduled to attend. I do know this, I'm grateful for my understanding Girlfriend whom never took it personal or got selfishly mad we weren't going and a couple true friends just reached out in whole hearted concern and let me know they were checking up on me.I know I'm not really that important and I know my mind creates much of its own "Dilemma."So for today I will chalk this one up to a good learning experience. In my heart I know I made the best choice in regards to completing that 24 hrs clean & sober. Now onward with today. God Help Me!!!

Morning Meditations/ Prayer

I know that both meditation and prayer are touchy subjects for most everyone.Especially in the music scene I'm somewhat known in I think most people are very intolerant to either of these.I know for years I almost hated the idea of either one. I was an extreme case of a person who had built his existence and mission of artistic vision on a huge resentment towards God himself.As suprising as it may seem though I have always believed in God. I believe now I had a warped sense or understanding of God though. Being raised Catholic with a dash of Southern Baptist had created a sense of hatred,anger and fear.Im not sure what or which incident surrounding Catholicism had set me on my complete denial of being a Catholic but I knew exactly what those Baptist Ministers had done and I still have anger for those men no matter how good their intentions to "save my soul."

   I built much of buzzoven on this anger and hatred for organized religion. Although not as angry today, I have found little use for organized religion. In Recovery I have searched though. Searching for answers that don't really exist have brought me to the conclusion that I can be a Man of God and society can still keep its religions.I do believe in morals and trying to live by a good example and walking in a manner to set a good example. This is no easy task. I especially find difficulty because simply I have come to enjoy Chaos.I have had people tell me I'm addicted to Chaos.Maybe this is fact but I know as I've grown older I'm becoming more content with simpler things. For me to I have found it absolutely crucial to Pray. There is freedom in prayer.After living in a self made prison for most of my life,a small taste of Freedom is nice. Try it!!

Melting Snow

So as we watch the snow slowly drift away I get a feeling of cleansing as it melts and washes clean water all down the streets. Wash Away. What's away my sins. So as we look to the weeks further one must ask is this enough water to cleanse scum from the street? I have been working diligently on my upcoming book. It has been rather difficult to look back into past journals. But I also find it cleansing in a sense. Rereading some of my past endeavors as well as failures seem to remind me how far I have come. Yet still so very far to go. All I know is that things have somewhat improved. I plan to continue along on my new journey. My new pass takes me to places that are completely unknown to me because most of my previous visits I was altered state of mind. Anyway break time is over. Got to get back to rehearsing k.lloyd tunes as well as a few new buzzoven songs. Will be playing opening for Roger Alan Wade if all goes as planned at the Maywood February 28 in Raleigh North Carolina. This is not confirmed yet so I probably shouldn't be saying anything. Regardless I plan to be at the show. Hopefully I will see some of you there.

trudging Through vile ThINkiNg!

   So as I keep making mistakes some days I remain abstinent from drugs and alcohol to just have a fighting chance at Recovery long term.They say Keep It Simple.Hahaha....easier to say than do.It takes practice and questions at an almost constant and then for me Trust and Faith in My God has to come in almost immediately but I know this as well,Honesty is #1.If I'm not feeling it or I'm disrupted I have to be honest.I so much of the time end up having to make amends for this behavior and it sucks doing so especially if I THINK I'm right and someone else wrong.Im a Junkie that lives with his Mommy.Almost 45 and although guilt and shame do know good it's the reality of where I put myself.My sponsor in A.A. Seems pissed off a good bit of the time but I keep it in the forefront that he has had to put up with me as a sponsee for going on 3 years.I relapsed in that time frame but I'm more vigilant now.No desire to escape,drink,shoot dope or shoot out windows so I would say something is working.God lead the way.PLEASE HELP ME STAY OUT OF THE WAY.No laughter on this sentence cause when Misery and Pain are all you end up living its High Time to stop digging up more holes.Well unless someone's shooting out windows near my Moms Condo.Hahahahaha.........I couldn't resist.Bless it!

Dissolving In Wreckage

So it seems the piper has come to collect.Hiring a shitty attorney is my first mistake.Resistance of my responsibility is not my flake.Its and intern condition on a psychaotic condition.Spit on the hand,bite the mental curdle that wrips into the divine.What is the angle? Why am i so late/.? RECRUIT. ReCtiFy + y WhY y. Its a by product of a disease i suffer from.Its called Alcoholism and Addiction.There is no EASY WAY to go about so much of lifes trials and especially getting back in the game of life.Life is Life and SHIT HAPPENS. The key for me is to carry myself through situations that i used to be blacked out or nodded off during without creating anymore piles of dirtkicker piles.I am no preacher and i am far from having a real clue about applying these tools of REcovery to anything besides my wants. God has had me all along and fear of the unknown and trying new things has always scared me more than a syringe full of dope but slowly im beginning too see that i can live life one day at a time and i dont even want to run or escape.Happy Birthday to my buzzoven brother Randy Felton and dont forget that February is Jeff Clayton month.

Dirtkicker: Service Announcements #1

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6adlztNKkHE&feature=youtube_gdata_player

R.I.P. Mike Boone:Another Close Friend Passes Away

Yeah i dont have a whole lot to say.I like what Mike Williams (EHG) said to me recently "it stinks of death everywhere and im fucking sick of it....."  I think that sums it up well.I am so saddened that both Mike and Joey were great guys and never really harmed or hurt anyone.They both had lovely daughters whom are without a father now.It just sucks when this happens to someone whom is in reasonably good health and is obviously too young to die.I especially feel bad for others i know who are experiencing a great deal of emotional pain from their loss of such a close friend.I wish i could ease their pain somehow but i cant.I offered to help out with getting things accomplished with raising some funds for Mikes family as they will have expenses that they were not expecting and one great thing about the underground music community is we pull together and help out those whom need help or maybe dont need it or havent even asked for help it just seems right to do.Knowing that the well being of especially a child whom just lost their parent,well its going to take money to support them still and even just a little to help through the initial shock of their parents death goes a long way.I have said a few things to other of my closest friends and im going to repeat myself here.We are all getting older by each day that passes.I know that my 44 year old body doesnt feel the same as it used too.Im also trying and being more aware of what i put my body through daily and also what i dont/do consume into my system.Its no secret that i am an Addict.I have struggled with addiction for many years now.There have been many times i should have died for sure.I know though that if i try and do those things i used to do that the odds of it killing me or impairing me permanently are much greater now than when i was younger. My point being that even though im almost for sure that Mike was not doing drugs nor am I saying that his death was anything even remotely caused by Alcohol.iIts just that as we all from the earlier days of playing and being involved in the Heavy/Sludge/Doom/Metal or whatever label you wanna put on it music scene get up in our mid 40s there are going to be some of us pass away from various ailments or suprise type incidents whether its a heart attack or a car crash its gonna suck and be hard to deal with.My own mission is to treat my body a bit better.For me im not putting mind and mood altering chemicals in it any longer but im eating coffee cake at 2 am as I type this.I have been eating way too much and though better than the drugs still not healthy.A pack of Marlboros a day, little exercise and eating cheeseburgers and cake are not going to ensure a long happy  life. I guess im just worried at least for me that im gonna pass too soon but really every day is borrowed time because the way I was livin and running wild I should have been dead long ago.Mike Boone you were loved.Your Wilmington family has shown am incredible amount of unity in the shadow of your untimely death.I guess I find the beauty in  the fact that so much good has come from horrible pain, sadness and loss. It has shown how a small southern coastal community takes care of and honors their own. Mike Boone you were loved and you are missed.I am just thankful for the fact that for a short time in my life I also called Wilmington NC my home and one guy whom was always around and helped my life and greeted me with a hug and a smile no matter what I had done or was going through you would  lend an ear or even buy me a beer.Mike if I can live out my remaining days and just be half as kind and caring as you were All The Time I will feel I have become a better man.Rest In Peace Old Friend.See ya on the other side!      :*)

Buzzov*en interview by Chris Ayers from 2010.

http://www.tumblr.com/share/link? Buzz*en - http://exclaim.ca/Interviews/WebExclusive/buzzoven

k.lloyd cd cover

http://kirklloyd13.tumblr.com/post/61424143366

buzzoven - Maryland Deth Fest

                                                                                   So im attempting to load this cause i think its good footage of this show.At least i can see i was still awake for the first two songs.This was one weekend i want to forget.It will all be told soon.Ive got almost a whole chapter of the book im working on dedicated to my antics this weekend.The rest of the band left after we played on Thursday night.They rolled out at like 11 am in think and i stayed on the floor in Scott Bryants Motel Room.We only had our two rooms for the night of the show.Neurosis and C.O.C played on that Friday night both playing great sets.Kylesa played a good one as well.I believe Nuclear Assault was one of the rowdiest for crowd reaction.I was around some at the fest but i spent equal or more time in some areas of Baltimore that its a miracle i didnt get murdered carrying wads of cash and dropping it all the time.Well it was what it was.I made it out alive and im never going down those back alleys and into those abandoned buildings ever again.Damn the memories of it are so clear.  :(

Tribute to Buzzoven comp.:Unfit to Consume

From Cymera. So this is 2 cds of covers of buzzoven songs by various bands.Kylesa and Church of Misery.Duktalon and countless others.Can the bands email me that did a song and possibly get me another master copy? I wasnt going to get involved w it but its a shame these bands spent their own cash to record only to get shit on by sleeping village record label joke Matt King.I Apologize for this happening.He fucked me as well never distributing my k.lloyd "solow" cd and never allowing me to get the copies.it would be great for this to get released.Some label has to be willing.Anyway heres a loud FUCK YOU to Matt King!!!!

Radok:My Friend

                       Chris Radok: My Friend

       So i was checking out some photos from the recent RadokFest in Charlotte at The Tremont Club and saw that they now had a website for Chris's photos and some of the shows etc...they have had since his murder.Im di ssapointed that i dont have more to do with some of things regarding his body of work.I cant even count the many times i sat up untill all hours of the night while Chris ran through countless slides of older photos and current ones as well.We used to joke that he probably had more pictures of me passed out drunk in the Oakland house than any other subject in all of his photos.After buzzoven relocated to Richmond Va. i remained in contact with Chris and we always visited him at the 609 Oakland house which became Jeff Claytons home for his family.Chris remained in the house as Jeffs familys roommate.We had some interesting moments in these visits especially one time when GG Allin and his band were there at exactly the same time.I dont believe we actually spent the night on that visit but i vividly remember Chris taking some new promo shots of us(buzzoven),He also took one photo of GG holding Carrie(Jeffs infant daughter) and i joked that Carrie would probably slap the shit out of her Dad for letting GG Allin hold his daughter.GG was suprisingly very respectful and mild mannered.Nothing like you would think he would be

 buzzoven continued on its relentless and destructive path,my only interaction with Chris was when he usually attended a show in one of the cities within a reasonable drive from Charlotte.I always maintained phone contact with him though and its easy for me to say i kept Chris in the loop always on what was next for buzzoven.When he got to whatever venue in cities like Atlanta,Chapel Hill,Winston Salem and Richmond just to name a few i usually had my time that me and Chris went to his VW van and while he fiddled and set up his gear to shoot photos we had some of what for me was my deepest and most serious conversations which much of the time were regarding my rapidly increasing usage of illegal substances.Chris was one person i knew would give it to me straight and let me know his true opinion and not sugar coat a fucking thing.He also was one i could trust to tell my deepest feelings regarding such subjects and would not be judged or ridiculed.He was what for me i always thought a big brother would be.Im not even going into the years before when we lived together the many things he did for me and was the person i would call when most would hang up the phone after the first word usually because of what these calls were regarding usually.Which for the most part were me needing help because i had fucked up.Thats the most general way i can say what includes a numerous amount of variations on troubled situations usually resulting from a night of being blacked out from excessive alcohol consumption.Back to what i was talking about.Chris was the one person i could confide in and know it would not be brought back up in any way,shape or form.He was probably the first person i broke down and admitted i was way out of control with my use of heroin and feared dying from it.In the years to come Chris was always the first and sometimes only person i contacted when i was in Charlotte for any stretch of time.Sad to say but i usually was in Charlotte to attend some sort of recovery related establishment.Over the last few years i was in reasonably close contact with Chris we talked in depth about putting together a book about 609 Oakland Ave.We had planned to both write bits and pieces about the main events that occured at or around the house but more importantly the

inhabitants of the house.When Fred Hutchinson and i parted ways doing Sewer Puppet was when the house saw its most varied and busy activity regarding music being played within its walls.I was developing buzzoven and i believe Fred had Boil going on.Sadly it was a tense time between Fred and i but was a time i think when there was a huge variety in visitors and different musicians.I have yet to speak with the people who are in charge of Chris's body of work but its becoming something i feel is a good time to do this project that i think would have Chris's involvement and blessing.It will not be something that is about boosting any one person or bands career but simply a glimpse into the heart of a house full of music lovers who were a huge part of underground music in Charlotte and the southeast.If we could show the house from when Morbid Angel called it home all the way through the Sewer Puppet,buzzoven and boil days.Then ending with the years of it being the Antiseen compound and Clayton family home i believe it could give people today a glimpse into what these people,bands and fans alike were like during this exciting time in underground,punk rock music in Charlotte and the entire U.S.!

    I plan to put together a plan and execute it in the coming weeks.I will probably use one of the fund raising sites with a pre order option type thing as to keep the project fully independent.I really want to do this and its been heavy on my heart to do it as i believe Chris and i would have made it happen if he were still alive.Im hoping to get the support of his trustees and also the help of the other key figures who would have to write about the time frames that i was not a part of the house as a resident.This is something that i believe would nurture the interest and acknowledgement Chris Radok so deserves for his input and support of underground music and those of us that were so blessed to have him in our personal day to day lives.I hope im not stepping on any toes here bringing my hopes for this project to the public first.It just came over me to get the ball rolling.I am making a personal commitment to this and i hope those closest to me will support and help push me to not procrastinate even another day.I miss my friend.I want to do this for him,myself and those that love underground music.Its time to get to work and make this happen.Thanks for your time and i love you all!

                                                                                                 Thank You,K.L.F.  ;)

radokphotography.com