Mood Swing Mayhem

  So since having a complete nervous breakdown that landed me in the psyche ward not once but 2 times in December of 2013. I feel like im starting to feel a twinkling of balance and feel like maybe now i can put some sense of order into my future days.There is an abundance of ideas i have for doing various projects but honestly i have a very difficult time finding where or how to start some of these.Whether it be due to finances,schedules of other bandmates,physical or mental limitations i just wish that things came as easy as it seems for so many others and i could actually get some of this stuff done or at least having them as "works in progress." Im so envious of some of some of my peers because it seems after making their start around the same time as me ,or in some cases WITH me. When i met someone whom i felt a common bond with and really liked i did what i could do to help them,or should i say spread their exposure. My years of touring in buzzoven,especially the earlier ones,brought me into contact with many people.EyeHateGod was one whom had not been out of their hometown(NOLA) much at all. After witnessing their intensely awesome bluesy hardcore sound i was convinced the world needed to hear this band.It was not a situation of asking bands to come open for buzzoven like we were the BIG headlining act, It was more of an attempt of uniting two bands whom had a common bond and respect for each other and enjoyed hanging out together through the antics of life on tour. Needless to say EHG has become a force to be reckoned with and although both buzzoven and EHG had their similar elements ,we both were the pioneers of a new heavy "Sludge" sound.I think its amazing that they are getting such a great response to their long anticipated new s/t album.
    On the flipside of this subject im speaking of is the friends who stepped away from selling their soul to music and living and breathing their bands more than full time obligations.The guy who now owns his own business and has married a beautiful woman and has a kid or two. Or maybe that person that has to just stay away from the whole environment to hold on to his sanity or even sobriety.I can think of one individual whom literally hung his guitar up and changed into a golf shirt and khakis literally overnight and never looked back. So many people have made different choices for just as many different reasons.
    I know for myself that i have a hard time separating the will to self destruct from the heart,soul and rage i put into writing and performing 2-ens music.Trust me in the light of the overwhelmingly great responses our early 90's peers such as Sleep,EYEHATEGOD and even a rumored return of Acid Bath are getting the time is never more than right.But is it right for me?Obviously it was earlier this year when i was forced to cancel our Roadburn appearance due to Mental Health Illness.I was dissapointed as i know many of you were as well.
    I feel like im just weak,hopeless and lost without playing music but "HOW" do i remain sane and sober in that hostile environment? 

    On the Flipside ,I have been tracking new songs for my 3rd full length release under my k.lloyd persona.Slated to be released on Rusty Knuckles Music as soon as I get it completed.Im excited about this because my 2 previous CDs have been shadowed with little promotion and not even appropriate release.Im thinking of putting together a heavier lineup to take k.lloyd beyond the acoustic mellow tone to full fledged heavy distortion.Only time will tell.

     Regardless I am still here.Im stilll playing and writing music.I have Faith what full path I am to take with live performances as well as completing some other endeavors I have had on the back burner will present itself in due time.                                   
  

Losing All

I can't help but think of my days of past, alone and miserable with a crack pipe and dull syringe lying next to me on the night stand. I suppose I put too much of myself and I'm too honest much of the time. I love to play music and writing is also a newer love of mine. I write this very sentence though with tears in my eyes and a debating thought of whether to admit myself into a psychic observation setting. I will say this though, because of the words and replies of so many ignorant fucking morons I am choosing to keep my own struggles just that. MY OWN! Not that it bothers me that much but why bother going the extra mile if only to be berated with so much judgement. There has been a handful of people who message me and express their gratitude for my willingness to be up front and vocal about my own daily struggles with addiction and Dual Diagnosis. I find when people attack me honing in especially on the word God or the aspect of a higher power, it merely shows their own closed mind and inability to let someone choose their own path or their own belief system which is the only thing I push. Regardless of why people say what they say I am finding such an annoyance with even taking the time to read it and give it my precious time that I am going to take the time to reduce this blog to only go to direct subscribers. I know I need to fix the grammatical error in the title and this I plan to do.

 On a more serious note I have decided that maybe a break from this and social media in general would be good while I deal with my mental condition. I have never in my adult life ever found a true sense of balance and I'm starting to have enough insight to know when I'm heading into a mindset that I cannot trust myself. If you have never lost everything you hold dear to your heart or attempted to take your own life then you probably have no clue what I'm talking about. Regardless to those I know and love and anyone with any faith at all, your prayers would be appreciated. Until I return I wish you all peace and happiness!

trudging Through vile ThINkiNg!

   So as I keep making mistakes some days I remain abstinent from drugs and alcohol to just have a fighting chance at Recovery long term.They say Keep It Simple.Hahaha....easier to say than do.It takes practice and questions at an almost constant and then for me Trust and Faith in My God has to come in almost immediately but I know this as well,Honesty is #1.If I'm not feeling it or I'm disrupted I have to be honest.I so much of the time end up having to make amends for this behavior and it sucks doing so especially if I THINK I'm right and someone else wrong.Im a Junkie that lives with his Mommy.Almost 45 and although guilt and shame do know good it's the reality of where I put myself.My sponsor in A.A. Seems pissed off a good bit of the time but I keep it in the forefront that he has had to put up with me as a sponsee for going on 3 years.I relapsed in that time frame but I'm more vigilant now.No desire to escape,drink,shoot dope or shoot out windows so I would say something is working.God lead the way.PLEASE HELP ME STAY OUT OF THE WAY.No laughter on this sentence cause when Misery and Pain are all you end up living its High Time to stop digging up more holes.Well unless someone's shooting out windows near my Moms Condo.Hahahahaha.........I couldn't resist.Bless it!