Friday, December 30, 2011

The Thoughts That Plague Me

So i must say ive had one of my hardest days yet being in sobriety working towards Recovery,For me its not really about going to use or drink its that my insane mind and disease tell me to kill myself.How ironic that on the Buzzoven cd "sore" we sampled us whispering "kill yourself" over the entire intro sample? Anyway my point being that those thoughts were on me today like that monkey on my back.Im trying to kill that fucking monkey thats been on my back.I am that monkey at the same time i think.Kicking all the opiates,as well as other stuff,has taken a long,long time but im understanding why people say its easy to stop or kick the habit(well not that easy)but its staying stopped that is hard.Learning to live just LIFE without the chemical comfort is waht is so hard.I am so full of anger and self doubt that sometimes it can almost cripple me.I have some close friends in the program that im really grateful for cause they care and wanna help me through my pain.So does my Mom who i am so so grateful to have back in my life!I try and remember their only thoughts and i dont have to act out on them but after getting through the anxiety and pain i went to a pool hall with others in recovery and i found myself on guard and almost wanting for some violence to pop off.A fight would have been a welcomed thing as i think anger is a huge issue for me.Just the adrenaline that would start pumping from a confrontation would be great but i try and remember its all about change.Change is hard though but im still working my way in this direction ive never gone before.If i bust out a window or go off im sure ill have to pay for it so im trying to control myself and do what god wants me to do.Trying my best to be open to his will!!No matter what it is.