Wednesday, December 21, 2011

FEAR:my life on the run

So its been a good day all in all.I was up by the homeless shelter today and felt much gratitude that i was not in the predicament of many there.Its only by Gods hand though that i am back reunited with my mother and have a new oppurtunity with going to the long term program im going into first of the year.The question i ask myself is what are you really willing to do?I have taken all suggestions and applied them to the best of my ability and as i start work on the 3rd step i guess my rebellious nature is cropping up.God for me has been a word and concept i fought against for many many years.I forge my own path and i am my own god was the creed i lived by.Im subscribing to the god concept of recovery and praying etc...and all in all feel open to the idea.I guess im resentful towards god or religion.Dont really know:"yet".All i know is i want the overwhelming emotion and fear to fucking go away.Now the dilemma.i know where using and drinking got me and it was not a good place.So i am willing to follow guidance but applying it and having true faith in my god is not fully there.They say thats ok but i just feel like im not getting it or doing it wrong.Guess thats something ill deal with more in my personal inventory and ya know im afraid of that step 4 as well.Im not going into that though right now.Lets just say that i believe im sicker than most.Maybe not though.Anger crops up alot and i deal with it the best i can.Fear is a motivating factor as well.I can either Face everything and recover or say FUCK everything and run.I want to live and am willing to do this thing with the uttermost vigalance and maybe just maybe i can get this and be and stay on the positive road of recovery.Many joys and a whole lotta pain and soul searching are yet to come.Im just glad that God kept me alive for whatever reason!!!