Wednesday, December 7, 2011

Recovery:A new path for a once hopeless Junkie

Okay im 43 days totally clean & sober!!I feel good and its an understatement to say its been a long road back too getting all the narcotics out of my system.Its taken what it has taken and i fully realize this is only the beggining to this journey that i only honestly tried over 13 years ago.Life can be hard,but ya know life being a fullblown Addict is really fucking hard as well.Self doubt has plagued me since i was a small child and only with chemical comfort was i able to walk through much of my life.On the flip side ive been a cocky prick that was ready to dive head first into the world of extreme music as well as a person who thrived on chaos for many years.I certainly dont want to preach cause i honestly know nothing about this new path except i have hope that i can do it cause many others have done it and continue to do it to this day that i know and used with.Some maybe not as sick as me and some sicker.Ive dwelled in the world of pain,anger,misery and depression for far too long,The sad thing is i thought i found solace there and i guess in some sense i did become comfortable sitting in my own misery.I came to the point though where i was welcoming death but also horribly afraid of what would be if i ate a bullet or intentionally took a hot shot.The drugs werent working anymore and as i stood,well nodded at deaths door many times i just couldnt take another day in the hell i was in.I firmly believe if i dont grasp onto life and positive people new and old in my life this disease ive been struggling with is going to fucking kill me.It already has tried many times but for some reason ive been spared.I have HOPE!!On the flip side im scared as hell and everything feels really awkward and strange.Its not easy but i choose to go on in the direction ive never walked for very long at all ever before.
I do want to say though that ive been overwhelmed with positive support from family and friends who have known me for years and it means a whole lot to me now.As i walk this road i plan to write all i can and blog here as well because im so ready to dump this shit that keeps me so fucked up.I know ive got to take it slow but the addict in me wants everything and i want it now.A quick fix it will not be but im hanging on for today and its my hope that one day i can help someone who has been as hopeless as me.
Music is a huge part of my life and i have no doubt that it will remain in some way but for now im staying focused on getting well.Who knows how long that will take but one fact i do know,im 30 years expierenced in self destruction,misery and pain so it will probably be slow.Im ok with that though.Dont know what the future holds but it cant be as bad as the pure living hell i was bathing on so like i said im taking the road ive never travelled!!!