The Thoughts That Plague Me

So i must say ive had one of my hardest days yet being in sobriety working towards Recovery,For me its not really about going to use or drink its that my insane mind and disease tell me to kill myself.How ironic that on the Buzzoven cd "sore" we sampled us whispering "kill yourself" over the entire intro sample? Anyway my point being that those thoughts were on me today like that monkey on my back.Im trying to kill that fucking monkey thats been on my back.I am that monkey at the same time i think.Kicking all the opiates,as well as other stuff,has taken a long,long time but im understanding why people say its easy to stop or kick the habit(well not that easy)but its staying stopped that is hard.Learning to live just LIFE without the chemical comfort is waht is so hard.I am so full of anger and self doubt that sometimes it can almost cripple me.I have some close friends in the program that im really grateful for cause they care and wanna help me through my pain.So does my Mom who i am so so grateful to have back in my life!I try and remember their only thoughts and i dont have to act out on them but after getting through the anxiety and pain i went to a pool hall with others in recovery and i found myself on guard and almost wanting for some violence to pop off.A fight would have been a welcomed thing as i think anger is a huge issue for me.Just the adrenaline that would start pumping from a confrontation would be great but i try and remember its all about change.Change is hard though but im still working my way in this direction ive never gone before.If i bust out a window or go off im sure ill have to pay for it so im trying to control myself and do what god wants me to do.Trying my best to be open to his will!!No matter what it is.

God:My issues and acceptance

So as im writing on the 3rd step "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understand him",im not too much into writing and all the sudden a whole lot of anger is coming out of me and im pouring it out pen to paper but immediately feel its wrong.So im trying to not think too much but its blatant and im writing and cussing through the words i write.Im overwhelmed with anger towards diffrent things of the God i understood and the people who i know tried to shove their christian beliefs and ideals down my throat and then i started crying.Feeling stuff and emotions suck.But at the same time im realizing that i do not have to slam a needle in my arm or drink into oblivion over any of these emotions or resentments not yet dealt with.Thats a powerful feeling and thought for this junkie.
I talked to others and was told im right where i need to be and they pointed out that from what ive told them that there is tangible evidence of a higher power working in my life.Shit me being fucking alive is tangible evidence of God for me.So with the suggestion of my sponser and others im connected with im not trying to over think it or more especially ffed into my rebellious spirit and straight defy the concept of that higher power which i call GOD!!!

FEAR:my life on the run

So its been a good day all in all.I was up by the homeless shelter today and felt much gratitude that i was not in the predicament of many there.Its only by Gods hand though that i am back reunited with my mother and have a new oppurtunity with going to the long term program im going into first of the year.The question i ask myself is what are you really willing to do?I have taken all suggestions and applied them to the best of my ability and as i start work on the 3rd step i guess my rebellious nature is cropping up.God for me has been a word and concept i fought against for many many years.I forge my own path and i am my own god was the creed i lived by.Im subscribing to the god concept of recovery and praying etc...and all in all feel open to the idea.I guess im resentful towards god or religion.Dont really know:"yet".All i know is i want the overwhelming emotion and fear to fucking go away.Now the dilemma.i know where using and drinking got me and it was not a good place.So i am willing to follow guidance but applying it and having true faith in my god is not fully there.They say thats ok but i just feel like im not getting it or doing it wrong.Guess thats something ill deal with more in my personal inventory and ya know im afraid of that step 4 as well.Im not going into that though right now.Lets just say that i believe im sicker than most.Maybe not though.Anger crops up alot and i deal with it the best i can.Fear is a motivating factor as well.I can either Face everything and recover or say FUCK everything and run.I want to live and am willing to do this thing with the uttermost vigalance and maybe just maybe i can get this and be and stay on the positive road of recovery.Many joys and a whole lotta pain and soul searching are yet to come.Im just glad that God kept me alive for whatever reason!!!

Music:old and new is freeing my soul!

So with access to the internet ive been tapping into new music and rediscovering the old that i love and its been helping me immensely.Ive realized once again that with a clear mind and with my spirit becoming stronger each day that my extreme love of music will continue.Ive escaped into music since i was a small child and its always helped me cope with my hurt,pain and emotions.Im hoping and praying that it will be a positive thing as i use it for therapeuitic means today.Outlaw country and the singers of grunge bands past is my preferred sounds but im being open minded as i close a chapter of my past and hope that god opens a door for the future.I became a person i hated in my many days in buzzov-en and i wore a mask that i see really wasnt me.It was mean and it was violent and i believe that was how i coped for whatever reason.Im soul searching and im getting ready to pick my acoustic back up and pursue my "solow" music as i called it.Good friends of mine helped me open the door to this new aspect of my creative flow,quite a few years back.T-roy Medlin(sour vein)and Jimmy Bower(Down,EHG) helped me record and supported me when i was not too confident and to those two im eternally grateful.I may never do buzzov-en again but who knows?I do believe God has some kind of plan for me though and im turning over to him the results.Im also grateful to the many friends and fans who have been pouring out their love and support to my new walk of life and struggle with addiction.Anyway im getting through the day.Thankful i can tap the soul with music.Its a gift not being in my pain and misery.So...............................we will see!

Recovery:A new path for a once hopeless Junkie

Okay im 43 days totally clean & sober!!I feel good and its an understatement to say its been a long road back too getting all the narcotics out of my system.Its taken what it has taken and i fully realize this is only the beggining to this journey that i only honestly tried over 13 years ago.Life can be hard,but ya know life being a fullblown Addict is really fucking hard as well.Self doubt has plagued me since i was a small child and only with chemical comfort was i able to walk through much of my life.On the flip side ive been a cocky prick that was ready to dive head first into the world of extreme music as well as a person who thrived on chaos for many years.I certainly dont want to preach cause i honestly know nothing about this new path except i have hope that i can do it cause many others have done it and continue to do it to this day that i know and used with.Some maybe not as sick as me and some sicker.Ive dwelled in the world of pain,anger,misery and depression for far too long,The sad thing is i thought i found solace there and i guess in some sense i did become comfortable sitting in my own misery.I came to the point though where i was welcoming death but also horribly afraid of what would be if i ate a bullet or intentionally took a hot shot.The drugs werent working anymore and as i stood,well nodded at deaths door many times i just couldnt take another day in the hell i was in.I firmly believe if i dont grasp onto life and positive people new and old in my life this disease ive been struggling with is going to fucking kill me.It already has tried many times but for some reason ive been spared.I have HOPE!!On the flip side im scared as hell and everything feels really awkward and strange.Its not easy but i choose to go on in the direction ive never walked for very long at all ever before.
I do want to say though that ive been overwhelmed with positive support from family and friends who have known me for years and it means a whole lot to me now.As i walk this road i plan to write all i can and blog here as well because im so ready to dump this shit that keeps me so fucked up.I know ive got to take it slow but the addict in me wants everything and i want it now.A quick fix it will not be but im hanging on for today and its my hope that one day i can help someone who has been as hopeless as me.
Music is a huge part of my life and i have no doubt that it will remain in some way but for now im staying focused on getting well.Who knows how long that will take but one fact i do know,im 30 years expierenced in self destruction,misery and pain so it will probably be slow.Im ok with that though.Dont know what the future holds but it cant be as bad as the pure living hell i was bathing on so like i said im taking the road ive never travelled!!!