Thursday, May 7, 2009
As i become more intwined in this emotional turmoil i step back to see what has relly happened to me and i do not like what is staring ack at me.I have failed all!Failed my family and failed myself!Little to offer anyone At all!Broke,hopeless,homeless.and pretty much a wretched shell of a human being.I just dont know anymore if ill ever be "allright"!!It seems to me i like to look for the worst then suject myself to my own inner turmoil and others as well.Misery loves company but actually i think its become tired of me!!Imagine that,even the worst born leper would run from me!Im tired,so fucking tired.Sometimes i wonder if ill ever again be back in control of "ME"!This disease has really taken me where id never would have believed.Ive done things that i cant even express how much dissapointment and shame hovers all around me!!IF the drugs still worked i would surely be getting high.Thats for sure you wouldnt ask twice you would plainly see.But even my being has desisded to deprive me of any chance of escaping me!But toss in a few others to stir the pot and magnify the hell of my life and what will never become of me.Im a mascot for the hopeless and hurting and i beg my god for just a few seconds of peace and what do they fucking call it?Serenity?HA yeah right im lost and may never be found.The funny thing is that i do understand the only person who can get to the source of all that this feeds is me and u know i just dont trust me!!So here i will sit i assume till the pain gets to great and i give up fot eternity and load a syringe with more than, PLENTY ,to wash over me the warmth of an ending not meant to be seen!!There i will sit untill someone realizes that my intentions were good but plan and tact oh how shitty!!So with that i will go and sit in my head and dream of the day when i no longer have to deal with "ME"!!!