Non Destructive Working

I joke and say i have an allergy to hard labor and bullshit work.Its hard to stay positive in the light of many ignorant or cocky bossy dickheads around me.I WANNA MAKE MUSIC!!!I want,i want,i want!!So as i do my best to stay positive despite my want to throw a punch,break out some win dows or just piss someone off for the hell of it im not!Well most of the time im not.Hahaha....Im glad im alive and i try and keep the faith that i will be to a better place down the road and God will give me back what i love so so much and thats music.Anyway im jonesing for a fucking smoke and have a feelings group to terrorize and cry and throw chairs in shortly so Ya'all come back now ya here?

Im Fuckin Crazy!!

So the longer im sober im realizing how trully emotionally disturbed i really am.Its good to know but embracing it and not acting out on it are 2 diffrent things.Its gonna take some time to deal with this but ive started to address it and i have to be patient!Its gonna be a process and i havent even started the new meds they gave me.Anxiety is gripping me so bad that i cant type fast enough.Its a gift to be able to know this but im full of fear of change still.Ive been running on empty for my entire life.Having thoughts you cant control on warp speed coming into your brain is entertaining at times and very disturbing at other times.So im just gonna do my best and do what they tell me but i have to keep talking about it.Its hard though cause i can see peoples looks and im just gonna say fuck it in a positive way.The depression and then manic laughing and crying topped with thoughts of smashing stuff and slapping people fucking overwhelm me often and most of the day.I know im not alone but its gonna take some practice.So here we go on a new found trip through sobriety and learning hoe to act right.I just gotta dance and sing and let it all out as much as i can.If i dont im gonna explode.Look out bro i got a missle and its firing out the side of my neck.Its funny i didnt know fully what others saw long ago.Wonder if this is why i busted bottles over my head and threw shot glasses at windows and would fight the biggest guy anywhere.Ya think?DUHHHHH........oh well is what it is.They think im bipolar with a slight allergy to all things normal!Hahhahaha.....all joking aside who keeps talkking in my head?I see the guy with schizophrenia and talk to him and he understands.Hes on meds though.Im just so wanting to have a new life ive got to be vigilant.Its gonna take a true miracle for me too continue on this path.Im willing though.Just cant keep watching The Fat Albert show.Oh shit its on again.Let nme go dance and scream before my sweaty palms make me slip into rage!!!Gitty up Gitty up!!Im grateful to know that my issues of mental health can be addressed over time.I just gotta do my best for now!!I will do just that.Ya'all come back now ya hear?

Clarity:Seeing With New Eyes

So as i keep on the path so many things are explained to me that i am developing an understanding of and for that im so grateful!Its been a tough road ive been on but i see now ive always been my own worst enemy.The thing is i think ive always known this but on the flip side i thought that if i put my mind to something i want im gonna fuckin get it.With sobriety it takes courage and practice to become adapted to doing pretty much everything without the aid of the drugs or alcohol.It can suck sometimes but ive been able to identify a bottom now and anything is better than living in a self absorbed hell.I was to afraid to end my life b y my own hand but i used drugs to the extent on many occasions with little fear.As i plunged a syringe into my vein on many occasions i questioned "will this be the one?" and didnt give a fuck.That seed planted by the faith of my Mother and the rigors of Catholicism(sp?) gave me a FEAR of God that if i took my own life on purpose i was doomed to hell.The southern Baptist church gave me the Anger towrds God,i thought,to start on my path of self destruction and blatant fuck you to all things "normal."I refused to become what seemed boring and mundane.Im learning more and more that im going to have thoughts that are insane but its how i choose to deal with them.Im beginning to write on a 4th step under the direction of an AA sponser who has something i want.If nothing else its continued sobriety and the ability to become the man im capable of being.Its funny it starts with resentments!ANGER!!Boy do i have plenty of it.I can hide behind the Clown mask i wear or behind the Junkie Pride,as i like to call it but underneath these masks is a whole lot of emotions that im not used to feeling.Under the anger lies hurt and pain i believe.Its a big undertaking that ive embarked upon and im scared but i do believe its a healthy fear.Change scares me but i try and remember where i was and that this may be my last chance.I will fucking Die cause there aint too many "yets"in my story.Some are sicker than others they say.Maybe im proud of being sick who knows but im going to DO THIS with all the courage i can muster and move forward in spite of my leariness i have when my sponser tells me some of the things he tells me.Its an inventory and there are some fucked up skeletons in my closet.Also blatant disregard for my fellow man in the eyes of those who dont really know me.Im asking God to help me remember what i need to remember to be thorough!I have FAITH i can do this and it will be o.k.!See ya on the other side!