The Thoughts That Plague Me

So i must say ive had one of my hardest days yet being in sobriety working towards Recovery,For me its not really about going to use or drink its that my insane mind and disease tell me to kill myself.How ironic that on the Buzzoven cd "sore" we sampled us whispering "kill yourself" over the entire intro sample? Anyway my point being that those thoughts were on me today like that monkey on my back.Im trying to kill that fucking monkey thats been on my back.I am that monkey at the same time i think.Kicking all the opiates,as well as other stuff,has taken a long,long time but im understanding why people say its easy to stop or kick the habit(well not that easy)but its staying stopped that is hard.Learning to live just LIFE without the chemical comfort is waht is so hard.I am so full of anger and self doubt that sometimes it can almost cripple me.I have some close friends in the program that im really grateful for cause they care and wanna help me through my pain.So does my Mom who i am so so grateful to have back in my life!I try and remember their only thoughts and i dont have to act out on them but after getting through the anxiety and pain i went to a pool hall with others in recovery and i found myself on guard and almost wanting for some violence to pop off.A fight would have been a welcomed thing as i think anger is a huge issue for me.Just the adrenaline that would start pumping from a confrontation would be great but i try and remember its all about change.Change is hard though but im still working my way in this direction ive never gone before.If i bust out a window or go off im sure ill have to pay for it so im trying to control myself and do what god wants me to do.Trying my best to be open to his will!!No matter what it is.

God:My issues and acceptance

So as im writing on the 3rd step "We made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we understand him",im not too much into writing and all the sudden a whole lot of anger is coming out of me and im pouring it out pen to paper but immediately feel its wrong.So im trying to not think too much but its blatant and im writing and cussing through the words i write.Im overwhelmed with anger towards diffrent things of the God i understood and the people who i know tried to shove their christian beliefs and ideals down my throat and then i started crying.Feeling stuff and emotions suck.But at the same time im realizing that i do not have to slam a needle in my arm or drink into oblivion over any of these emotions or resentments not yet dealt with.Thats a powerful feeling and thought for this junkie.
I talked to others and was told im right where i need to be and they pointed out that from what ive told them that there is tangible evidence of a higher power working in my life.Shit me being fucking alive is tangible evidence of God for me.So with the suggestion of my sponser and others im connected with im not trying to over think it or more especially ffed into my rebellious spirit and straight defy the concept of that higher power which i call GOD!!!

FEAR:my life on the run

So its been a good day all in all.I was up by the homeless shelter today and felt much gratitude that i was not in the predicament of many there.Its only by Gods hand though that i am back reunited with my mother and have a new oppurtunity with going to the long term program im going into first of the year.The question i ask myself is what are you really willing to do?I have taken all suggestions and applied them to the best of my ability and as i start work on the 3rd step i guess my rebellious nature is cropping up.God for me has been a word and concept i fought against for many many years.I forge my own path and i am my own god was the creed i lived by.Im subscribing to the god concept of recovery and praying etc...and all in all feel open to the idea.I guess im resentful towards god or religion.Dont really know:"yet".All i know is i want the overwhelming emotion and fear to fucking go away.Now the dilemma.i know where using and drinking got me and it was not a good place.So i am willing to follow guidance but applying it and having true faith in my god is not fully there.They say thats ok but i just feel like im not getting it or doing it wrong.Guess thats something ill deal with more in my personal inventory and ya know im afraid of that step 4 as well.Im not going into that though right now.Lets just say that i believe im sicker than most.Maybe not though.Anger crops up alot and i deal with it the best i can.Fear is a motivating factor as well.I can either Face everything and recover or say FUCK everything and run.I want to live and am willing to do this thing with the uttermost vigalance and maybe just maybe i can get this and be and stay on the positive road of recovery.Many joys and a whole lotta pain and soul searching are yet to come.Im just glad that God kept me alive for whatever reason!!!