Have a drink on me!

As many know its mardis grai in NOLA right now and i wish i was there as many of my friends are.Buzzoven played Checkpoint Charlies for the first time in early 90s and me and the owner agreed that each year the sat.b4 Fat Tuesday would be buzzoven nite forever and i could book any bands we wanted and run the whole day and nite and we had some awesome shows each year.sour vein became a usual and after the final 98 show i believe in 99 it was billed for that nite as usual but Dixies other band weedeater showed up and didnt announce they werent buzzo..untill they started their set.Its my understanding that T~roy and sour vein as well as weedeater have kept the sat.night tradition going even 2 this day.I do miss bein there and its possible u might witness a reunion of sorts in 2010 of buzzoven at mardis gras as im also planning a k~lloyd and the disciples gig at another venue during mardis gras if everyones schedule permits.well have to wait and see. Ive had some amazing crazy times at mardis gras!

FRUSTRATION IN ALL AREAS.......

It just seems like nothing is coming together these days!Besides lifes usual problems like no money to pay the rent or the power bill i just cant find a moment of peace to set down and play and write or enjoy my favorite pastime-MUSIC!My main acoustic is in the pawn shop and needs to be paid on to avoid loss of it.Which trust me i will not lose another chosen important gtr.Ive lost so many its pathetic.I try to stay positive and do the next right thing but damn its hard sometimes.The "solow" cd will be coming out soon on Sleeping Village Records but i really wanted to complete mixing all the songs i did in NOLA with Jimmy Bower,Earl and B.Patton but the funds to get down there just arent there and for this fact alone i feel like im failing.It will get done i know but i wanted that record to be the Debut release as they call it.But fuck it i am grateful that any of it will see the light of day.I know that if i would move to NOLA that this shit would have been done ages ago.I just felt that moving there wasnt in my best interest in regards to my own path staying sober!

Anyway i guess this is all me venting!!Not great reading material im sure but hey this is my blog and there is no set guideline and this is where im at!!If i went to many other areas of my life id sound like a whiny bitch and thats not me!!

Hopefully with persistence things will come together for my trip to NOLA to finish the work on "purepainblues"and its possible that a cd ep will come out soon of the 4-5 songs that are semi finished and mixed!!We will see.

I dont remember all of this stuff with planning etc.....being so difficult back in the buzzoven days but we also had a little more money to work with and i had some help from my bandmates and lets face facts,I was just a little HIGH!!!!!

So another day ill trudge forward and hopefully make some progress in getting things in order in my own house so that then ill be able to more fully approach and deal with these things.If im moving forward at all its a good thing!!RIGHT???

Dont Let Love DIE!!

Im letting my mind and heart relax now.The development of a sitiuation that is based in total dysfunction is not a path to a healthy way of living and co-existing with ones you love.Love alone should be enough to conquer this virus in many american homes and familys but as the past has proven it is not enough.When you dont have anything sane and normal to build on why wouldnt one expect complete chaos and dysfunction??Please i ask you to open your mind and open your eyes to that beast that WILL destroy you!I will not stand by and cosign this virus of emotion.There is no try there is only DO!Oh please my god,come help me!COME HELP HER!!Please come help us to see what must be done.What can we change??I ask you Lord to open the minds and spirit of whom i speak and also open mine as im just as sick of those i seek!My higher power will have to guide these days and keep my Love out front because resentment,anger and shame will creep right through the vines of my mind and tweak every nerve till i lose all control and run deeper back inside.Oh my dear,my dear what will you find?Face it and i promise we will come out on a better side.Dont face it and that wonderous Love will surely DIE!!

I am with you,i am with you.i am right here by your side!As you venture back into what you must divide,conquer and rise,i'll be with you in spirit at least, cause your journey will not be mine.But also know that the path you take,if you tap your strength and no matter what do rise,will surely cross into my venture in this day to tap back into light!I do not claim that i have reached this place where we will meet,but i hope and pray that we both have the strength to face the pain that infects our otherwise sunny days!It can be done i know it can.If we really go forward into the sun i want you to know im with you as that pains increase
d.I do hope that this Love can survive.Its not warm in the lonely isolated mind.

Im resting now!Im hoping for HOPE to stay alive.Im praying as well.I do realize that a higher wisdom is what will have to guide us both to a better self awareness and the strength to not let this dysfunction take over and just copletely divide!Please oh Lord help me,help her and especially help us!!I want my Love to regain its shine!!!!!

Eternal Headache

This endless chatter of a family intertwined by the anger that holds its threads can sometimes drive an individual to a pulsating ache that sometimes seems to never cease.Your intention of helping is only turning you to a weave of the threads that are still a part of this entity.What should one do when they find themselves at odds with why they even try on a daily basis?At times it seems to ease but usually that can only be credited to a chemical altering the mood for only a moment that as always comes to a crashing end.What is the diagnosis?Should we ask a so called professional who was taught the solutions to OUR problems through a book at a school?Or is it that the problem isnt really a problem its just we need to accept it as our life and fate?I ponder on the things that seem to always drive me crazy as it seems just being awake can be such a continous challenge.Does the diagnosis match the true design of my sitiuation?Should i even be seeking a diagnosis as i am one who has an allergy to the treatments of these so called professionals.Maybe in the silence of the day i can find a lonely answer!The problem usually can be though that there never is a silence as the chaos and noise is forever an echo in my own head!Please give me a moment,just one hidden moment of peace!What does it mean?Why is life so mean?Or is it that i have still not learned to accept the ways of this lifes dealings?This day will end as another begins but it seems im still reaching for an accurate diagnosis to at least temporarily end the chaos in my head!

TOUGH LOVE??

Well here i lie once again wondering why people make choices that i find totally uncaring and pretty much just shitty all the way around.I know my perception of things is almost always distorted in some disturbing way.My emotions ALWAYS get the better of me!I begin to understand most situations(or at least i think i do)days or even months or years after the incident.Ive always kinda prided myself on being a person thaT Speaks from the heart and say what i think and fuck whoever doesnt like it or doesnt want to hear it.Ive realized with age that this can be a great thing but you still have to be selective and tactful especially if this has to do with people you want to remain friends with or family you dont want to totally write you off!
Back in my days of heavy drinking i spoke my mind so much that i almost always ended up with black eyes or friends pissed at me.Sometimes even in jail.When your drunk as hell.blacked out and in jail the response to speaking your mind comes in a unique form-MACE!!Damn that stuff burns.My ignorance came thru loud and clear when i was blacked out!I was always amazed at what just a little bit of spit could do back then.I still have never figured out why when i was blacked out drunk that i insisted on doing everything i could to get someone to beat my ass!Believe me ive had my fair share of ass whoopings and probably would have gotten many more if it werent for my brothers(bandmates,friends) sneaking me out back doors around corners or just repeatedly appologizing and affirming i was drunk asshole that didnt know any better.
I do believe though that it all boils down to emotions getting the best of me.Im a pro at self sabotage and i say this not with one ounce of pride.It sucks cause even when im attempting to make good decisions this monster sneaks in and moments later im kicking myself in the head.
I recently was wrote off by a longtime friend who initially just tried to say hey i can only love you from a distance and instead of respecting his wishes i immediately let my HURT get the best of me and said a bunch of things that i didnt even mean.I know ive been bringing this up often in these writings but its because as i get older im realizing that i want to love people and people to love me.I dont give a fuck if all this sounds sappy and cheezy cause the whole bad-ass "dont fuck with me" attitude has never gotten me anything but more loss and pain.Thats right im being humble because when you have your ass drug through the mud and your head beat in over and over again and then you realize the only person whos hurting you is YOU,you get humble.Months of sleeping under plywood standing on a street corner with a sign begging for money or food can also have a humbling effect if you dont decide that its not so bad and stay in that life!
This is not a pity seeking mission either nor is it a look how hardcore my life was and i got more junkie credibility than you its a fucking damn reminder to myself to stay HUMBLE!!I should have respected thats person wishes but instead i acted like alittle bitch who was being betrayed and pushed away for no reason!If someone you love says" hey i cant deal with being a friend to you right now"the way i can show unconditional love is to respect their wishes.If their really a true friend and your life is in at least some order time will reunite you when its right.This world and no one in it owes me shit.I want to always remember that friendship is a gift.One that you have to earn to trully recieve.
Their are a few people i know that i have the same attitude towards.I love em and i care about them but i know if i try to help them to much its only gonna pull me down.I know it sounds selfish but turning your back on someone in some cases may be the best thing you ever did for them.
My mind and perception are always playin tricks and i try to remember that but honestly emotion still gets the best of me everytime.Tough love sucks!I really dont like it but i also know for a fact that it has saved many peoples lives.Id like to think that my life has changed so much that no one i know feels the need to be "at a distance"but even though im not slammin dope in my veins and im not head deep in active addiction,my life is still a mess and so am i!I really dont know if ill ever function like the rest of the so called 'NORMAL" world but i do know that i wanna remain humble and be grateful for all the friends and family i do still have.That fucking wet plywood bed in the weeds is just a step away.I hope and pray my insanity doesnt drive me to the point where i accept that way of life cause it aint life!Like they say though "NEVER SAY NEVER"!